i choose freedom

i've been a mess lately. and it's been awhile since i've really written.

i believe the two go hand in hand.

so, here i sit. ready to write. and hoping it comes out making some sense.

i believe in God. the ONE and only God.

i believe i am a sinner.

i believe i deserve death {eternal separation from God - not just death in this physical world} for the sin that is in my heart. for the sinful nature i was born with. 

i believe God sent His Son to die a brutal death on a cross for me. the death that i deserve, HE PAID FOR ME.

because i believe that, i have a new life. eternal life.

He no longer sees me as one separated from Him forever.

i am His.

i believe, so i am His.

period.

BECAUSE of that...out of my RESPONSE to that...i LOVE Him.

with all my heart and soul and mind and strength.

and i love others.

{"Jesus replied, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 22:37-39}

^{sounds all simple and all, huh??}

^{it should be. but if you were in my heart...or mind...or stomach (!) lately, you would know that it's not.}

^{we complicate it SO much and SO easily and so quickly.}

^{so much of "religion" is just us complicating things. we put laws on ourselves to "prove" our Love for Him. when, really, it's supposed to be the other way around.}

^{it should be: we love Him, so we ACT on our love. it's a reaction.} 

^{instead we:  ACT in order to prove that we DO love Him.} 

^{this make sit all complicated. and there are all kinds of books and lists and levels and ohmygoodness, aren't you just TIRED of it all???}

^{let's bring it a little closer in, shall we??}

^{the last few months have pushed me and stretched me in ways i've never been pushed and stretched before.}

^{i've done things and said things and thought things that i never thought possible. and i know i tend to be dramatic for fun. but this isn't one of those times. i'm not being dramatic. i'm dead serious.}

^{{i'll admit, i have kind of enjoyed pat's reactions to some of the words that have come out of my mouth. they weren't directed AT him, just said in conversation TO him about how i might have felt about my day.}}

^{i've spent more time reading the Bible, more time praying, memorized more scripture than at any other time in my life. and yet, i feel like my heart is the ugliest it's ever been. it sickens me. PHYSICALLY sickens me.}

^{and i've spiraled down about it. i tried giving up {"what's the point in trying to do this well? i'll just screw up again and be right back at the same spot."} i tried pretending it wasn't there {ha! not possible. it's all up in my face all day long.} i tried more rules {getting up even earlier and spending MORE time reading the Bible.}}

^{none of that is working.}

^{so, today. right now. i choose freedom. freedom from lies and laws and burdens.}

^{i'm moving on. giving it to Him. accepting His grace and forgiveness for all my thoughts and words and actions.} 

^{THIS IS WHAT HE DIED FOR.} 

^{it's like i've been thinking He couldn't have died for this? it's too ugly. His death isn't big enough to cover it.}

^seriously???

^{i desire for my life to reflect Him. His love for me. but i can't do that. He has to do it in me. i can't do it in my own strength. i need to rely on His strength to flow through me. it is my nature to fall back on trying to do things on my own. i hate that. again and again i will fall at His feet and give it all back to Him. and again and again, He will take me in His arms, forgive me, and give me grace. the hard part is giving myself the grace to move on.} 

^{but i need to. if i TRULY believe He is who He says He is, and He'll do what He says He'll do, then i HAVE to give grace and move on. to those around me. and to myself.}

^{i choose freedom.}

^{{and i just have to mention what a GIFT God has given me in my husband. i mean, a TRUE gift. God set up marriage as a picture of the relationship between Christ (the husband) and the Church (the wife). no, Pat is not perfect. but he loves me SO deeply. recenty, he looked me straight in the eyes, when i felt the ugliest and most exposed for who i truly was, and said, "I love you. NO MATTER WHAT, i love you." it was like God was speaking directly to me through Him. and i think that's how he intended marriage to be. Pat so often demonstrates the ever-forgiving nature of God to me and to our children. i am blessed to be his wife.}}