Monday, September 12, 2011

would you do it again?

no one has asked me that question. not outright exactly.

but they've asked it in other questions. and comments. and looks.

"would you do it again? if you knew what it was going to be like?"

{i could wait and write this post when things are "better". but i think it's more important to write this post now. when things are HARD. because the way things are doesn't change what is TRUE.}
YES we would do it again. absolutely.
why? because we will obey.

not because i think it's going to get easier. i don't know that it will {Lord knows i HOPE and PRAY that it will. but there is no promise of that.} i just had to come to grips with this reality. things will change. we will make progress...we've seen it already. but, it might ALWAYS be hard.  

that makes me want to crawl under my sheets and never come out. i will crawl under my sheets. but i will come out.

why? because i will obey.

not because i think the feeling of love will most definitely develop. i don't know that they will {He also knows i SO desire this...but i will choose love even if i don't feel it.} this makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. HOW is my heart so ugly that i can't LOVE a person? a person that NEEDS my love. that needs his MOTHER'S love?? i will cry. and i will love. {and i will fail} and i will keep loving.

why? because i will obey.

all of our children get to a point when they are about 3-4 years old. where we've talked about "obeying" enough that we know they understand the concept. but they are having a hard time DOING it. we play this game. it's kind of a fun, silly thing. but we are dead serious.

we say, "when i say something. you DO it. it doesn't matter WHAT it is. you don't question it or delay doing it, you just do it. if i say, 'jump!' you JUMP!"

then we do silly say, "run to the fridge and touch it and come back!"

and they run to the fridge and touch it and come back.

and we say, "good job!"

and on and on. just fun. yet teaching.

this is important. why? because if you run in the street and a car is coming and i say, "COME HERE!" i need to know you will COME HERE!

it might not always be fun or easy or what you want to do. but you just need to DO IT. because we know what is best for you.

this is why we would do it again.

because He asked us to do it. and we obeyed. it's that simple.

yes, we have 2 beautiful children because of that obedience.
yes, we have been blessed immensely by others' supporting us in countless ways.
yes, we have been able to experience His grace and strength in ways we NEVER have before.

but even if we didn't receive all of that or any of that, we would do it again.

because He asked us to.

it doesn't mean it's easy or fun.
just because something is HARD doesn't mean it's wrong. maybe it means it's right?

this is NOT about us. please don't read it that way. this is not a "we've done such a good job by obeying."

i just think sometimes we complicate things WAY more than necessary. and evaluate. and ponder {oh, we know i love to ponder :-)} and weigh the pro's and con's.

when, really?

He said so.

so do it.

what has He asked YOU to do???

People who are obsessed with Jesus aren't consumed with their personal safety and comfort above all else. Obsessed people care more about God's kingdom coming to this earth than their own lives being shielded from pain or distress.  [They] are more concerned with obeying God than doing what is expected or fulfilling the status quo. A person who is obsessed with Jesus will do things that don't always make sense in  terms of success or wealth on this earth.

Francis Chan


Katy said...

Absolutely Courtney. And bc you Know this, and believe it, is exactly why He chose you to call to these children. Because He knew you would obey. Doing the study of the Patriarchs right now and in talking about abram and Sarah, I have been reminded again that God never calls us out of something unless He is calling us to something. Whether or not we know where He is calling us to. He is pleased Courtney. And He will take care of the rest!!!

Laura said...

Amen, sister, Amen!

Joni said...

Loved this! I can't find time to blog anymore so today I just posted a link to your blog :) Hope you don't mind! You said exactly what I'm feeling - only you say it so much better!

beckley said...

In Romans it talks about "The Gospel of God" (NOT the gospel of Jesus Christ- difference that is often ignored and misquoted, most unfortunately, but many, many bible teachers/pastors). Anyway, the gospel of God- what is that? That's something we need to soak ourselves in. It's not 5 bullet points from Romans. It's all of scripture. There is a sound, a cadence, a rhythym to it, and it is the hope of the world (it is far more comprehensive than Jesus' death on a cross and resurrection).

The Gospel of God was spoken of by Paul to the Romans, a church he complimented rather than ripped up (like Galatia & Corinth). And he leaned into their "pistus"- faith, and called them to bigger things. They were doing well as a local church, and he said the world should hear just how well, and yet he called them to bigger things.

Changing our master from sin to grace is an enormous task. I imagine this might a large root of what it means to go through a lifelong process of sanctification. But when we submit to this process, heaven crashes into earth like it does in your house right now, because of your obedience. Those smiles on those boys' faces are evidence of that- The Gospel of God at work.

And in the meantime, you are broken and hurting and struggling to make it through. And the Gospel of God- another part of it- requires those of us who know you are hurting, to come along side you and walk, support, sacrifice ourselves in order that we might support your work that brings heaven crashing into earth.

We use the term, "faith" so lightly. I an't say it in english anymore- Pistus- it's always greek now for me. For in the gospel, the righteousness of God is revealed, and "righteous will live by Pistus"- a quote used by Paul from Habakkuk 2:4 (alluding to a pistus that is "right" because it is not because we are puffed up, but our desires are in the right place). Lean into your pistus, as your desires are right, and the righteousness of God will be revealed (apocalypso is greek for reveal-congratulations on living out apocalyptic literature here in your blog now. ha).

May we all look on and see the righteousness of God revealed- righteousness, another word that in english, we just can't truly understand. But we can watch, and learn, as you work and sacrifice to reveal (apocalypso) the righteousness of God.

Okay, I'm really supposed to be working, and probably just murdered my greek in my haste- but I hope that as we all look on, we see this as a process in which the righteousness of God is revealed.

Lean into your pistus that the righteousness of God might be revealed, both to your readers and friends, and also these two new boys. For the Gospel of God begins at the Beginning, and life your life right now- your obedience- tells the story of a God who didn't settle for the reign of evil over creation, but rather moved into rescue mode and invited us all to join in. Go, Courtney&Pat!

So yes, I think you get to be worked up over this from your earlier post, and I'm glad you married Pat. I cant imagine a spouse more perfect for you =) I've got one of those myself and I'm not sure how he does it! =)

Jill said...

I don't have the words to describe how God has used this post to touch me. (I was connected to your blog by Ali Forgarty's blog and have been so much been enjoying reading.) I haven't adopted (although it is something He is stirring in my heart), but my family has made some choices that are HARD out of obedience to Him. I love what you said about "just because it is hard doesn't mean it is wrong. Maybe it means it's right?" I think this is what God is teaching me... because it is so hard I am more reliant on Him. This is the best thing of all!

Benzoo said...

A friend sent me your blog ...
Thank you for this post today :) I would love to email you privately later but know today I thank you for your honesty. We Have four biological ( ages 8-2) and just have adopted two children (13 and 3 years of age)from Haiti on July 8th they came home so I feel like we are on similar paths. Today is one of those ugly, messy days where I just want to cry and hide. Instead I will choose to love and obey. Please be assured of my prayers!!

Blessings , Michelle

Megan said...

LOVED this post. Thank you.

Hannah said...

and that is just powerful.

I love you!

Amy said...

I've "lurked" around your blog for a long time now...linked through my sister Judy's blog "Welcome to our Chatterbox" and this post forced me to come out of "blog lurker" status. I needed to hear every single word that you posted about obedience, about how circumstances don't change what is TRUE, about how often the hard things are the right things...and that it doesn't matter if it's easy or hard or somewhere in the middle...if that's what God has told you to do. Thank you for your honesty, your openness and your obedience. Thank you for writing, even in the midst of the hard things. You are a blessing and your life is a testimony to God's faithfulness...even to people like me who you don't even know.