Thursday, June 23, 2011


"..the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."
Numbers 6:26
it's been the cry of my heart for this journey from even before we left.
and He has granted it.
yes, there have been moments of despair...and stress...and sickness...and confusion.
but HIS peace has always been there.
there have been so many answers to prayer the past 10 days.
i'm sure i don't even know them all.
there have even been answers to prayers i haven't even known to pray.
like, minutes after we were told we couldn't get levi's passport...which meant we couldn't bring him home...and we had to go to another appointment, a friend - that i knew just through email, but met when we were in rwanda, WALKED into the same building for another reason. coincidence?? no. God is so good. her sweet, calm spirit calmed both pat and i when we were SO close to losing it.
i hate to admit that there have been moments that were SO hard. SO intense, that i couldn't even pray. i had no words.
but, people have written me encouragement along those very lines.
letting me know that they are praying WHEN I CAN'T.
oh...He is good.
He is meeting our every need.
today things feel blurry...fuzzy.
every time i stand up or blink and open my eyes, i can't quite focus. things seem a bit blurry.
not sure if it's my body...or my heart.
but, one thing i do know. HE IS GOOD.
i struggle to find reasons WHY or WHEN.
i struggle with feelings of GUILT for already failing these 2 boys that He's trusted me with.
i struggle with questioning WHY ME? when i am such a poor example of His love as i'm impatient with my husband and my kids.
this trip has been moment after moment of pure trust and faith.
hannah would ask as we got off a long flight into an international airport in the middle of africa, "so, do we know who's meeting us?"
um. no. we just keep walking. we get our suitcases. and keep walking. and hope someone walks up to us that knows us.
and, when they do, we get into a van with them and trust they are going to take us where we need to go.
yesterday morning, hannah and i were sitting in a restaurant with all 5 kids. pat was at our LAST embassy appointment so that we could get to the airport for our flight out.
i looked up at her and said, "we are sitting in a restaurant in africa with 5 kids. 2 of whom we can't communicate with and can barely control. we have no phone. no money (pat had it all). no driver waiting for us. and we are just trusting pat is going to come back with peter and our driver and get us at some point."
SO much trust and faith.
but, HE's met us all along the way.
taking a deep breath here. trying to switch gears. we are over halfway there.
ethiopia is different. can't quite pinpoint it yet. looking forward to taking it all in.
my eyes are on home. but i want to see HIM here, too.


beckley said...

i am going to remember this as we walk through joblessness, and as i watch my husband look as though he's ready to jump off a bridge for lack of self-esteem.

the journey of what God dictates and what God allows, and the great orchestration and mystery of it all is often hard to cling to, considering the nuance and intricacies. And it's all so difficult in the midst of the storm.

May the Lord almighty grant you peace. You rescue of these children contributes to the rebuilding of shalom- your work, you love, is part of it all. And may he grant you Peace.

Grace, peace be with you.
I love you.
Congratulations on your children.
Be sustained.

What a blessing Hannah has given to you to be there. What grace.

Anonymous said...

Courtney (and gang) - we all continue to lift you up all day (the kids are lifting up some AMAZING prayers for your kids (ALL 6 of them!!!!)...Keep trusting and holding fast to Him. What an amazing/humbling/wonderful blessing this trip and experience has been...Love you lots!!!!
Goetz gang

Megan said...

Thanks for sharing how YOU are doing...I can't imagine how hard it is to be there and waiting moment by moment for the next step. We are all praying for you here! And will continue to!! Love you!

Leah said...

Awesome post Courtney. I love you so much. What an amazing experience. I dont feel like the word amazing does my feelings justice. YOU are so real with us through your posts and I love your transparency but I also LOVE seeing God be so REAL and right there with you. I can not wait to hug your neck!