the wind

"...the wind was against it." Matthew 14:24

this little part of a verse is from the story where Jesus walks on water out to his disciples in a boat. and where Peter walks on water, too. when i was reading it this week, i had never realized the WIND was blowing the whole time.

i hate the wind.

i like running in ANY weather condition - cold, hot, rain, snow...ANYthing except the wind. it just bites right through you. you can't get away from it. it goes through to your BONES...it goes deep. so, when i read this, it struck a chord with me.

and, there's another favorite passage of mine...in mark chapter 4...where Jesus sleeps through a storm on a boat. the disciples are all worried and finally wake him up. the wind and the waves are going CRAZY in the storm. He wakes up and says, "Peace! Be still." and the wind and the waves IMMEDIATELY calm down.

i have this "thing" with wind.

anyways, this has been a hard week.

for the last few months, i keep thinking i can't take anything else.

and then *anything else* happens.

like i said earlier the week, i'm just tired.

it's all "little" stuff - not MAJOR life trauma...so, sometimes it feels like i shouldn't be having such a hard time. there are so many more AWFUL, BIGGER things that could be going on.

but, it's kind of like the wind.

it's just constant. and exhausting. and goes DEEP.

but, He is there. i still don't understand. and that's become one of the things i repeat to Him over and over.
"i don't understand. i don't understand." but, under that "not understanding" is a SURE understanding that I TRUST HIM. i have a sureness that His plan is greater and bigger and what i desire. i know that the finish line is going to be SO so sweet and victorious. would i have chosen a different route?? yes. absolutely. but i still trust Him.

some questions have been brought up in my mind and heart this week.
could i have avoided some of this? i know some circumstances are just LIFE. but, i also know that we bring consequences on ourselves with our sin. it's in the Bible over and over. His justice.
am i missing something??
because, if i am, I NEED TO FIGURE IT OUT!
before He turns me into a pillar of salt or something!
praying through that...

i'm growing. i'm sure of it. and there is VICTORY in that!
this week has been hard.
pat has been sick with a bad cold and also working late and stressed about that.
we've both been in survival mode and not really able to give anything to the other.
i hate times like that.
but, i know it will pass.

the darkness has threatened to return this week. it has been there. especially in the early morning when i'm not out running and the pain is the worst and a whole day of hobbling around is ahead of me.
yes, it hasn't overtaken me.
i have tools in my belt that i picked up from last time that i've been bringing out.
i feel like i'm fighting for my life.
it's exhausting.
yet, when i make it to the end of the day {even if it's BARELY} and i can still have even a glimpse of His joy, i consider the battle won.
VICTORY!

pat and the older 3 are headed out for the weekend...camping with 2 other families.
i need to get them all packed up!
sawyer and i are staying home. visiting with a couple friends. and trying to keep my foot up {right...with a 2 yr old?}
but, first, we have our first HOPE event!
an adoption seminar tomorrow morning.
we were hoping like 10 people would come...well, last count we had 70 people signed up!

i'll leave you with this note...some moments i don't have the energy to do much...but i just "keep her there"...but, in order to do that, i have to be in the right position to begin with!


"An old seaman once said, 'In fierce storms we must do one thing, for there is only one way to survive; we must put the ship in a certain position and keep her there.'"
{from Streams in the Desert}