our adoption became my god

i knew i needed this weekend.
i knew i needed to hear something that i just wasn't quite getting.
and my life is so noisy and loud and it was so hard for me to hear it.
i was trying...i was craning my neck...listening so hard...but just couldn't quite hear.

well, God met and spoke nice and loud.
He made sure there was no mistaking it.

but, first.

i did a little shopping.
got a baby gift.
went to a "new, fun" store that "everyone" is talking about.
TONS of fun accessories and stuff...all organized by color.
it WAS fun.
i did buy something.
a pair of sunglasses.
i know, lame.
last time i went to the eye doctor, she told me i need to start wearing sunglasses because my eyes, oh, i don't know, she just told me i needed to start wearing sunglasses, so i'm going to.
{that eye appt was at least 6 months ago}

i got my eyebrows waxed for the first time.
it was GREAT!
barely hurt.
i've only plucked my eyebrows once in my life.
like, a month ago.
and thought i'd see what they "should" look like.

i went through the drive through at chick fil a, got dinner, and went to my hotel.
hampton inn {they serve HOT breakfast every morning! duh!}
i was a little nervous because when i walked off the elevator and onto my floor, a dog came tearing down the hallway towards me, barking his head off.

but i never heard him again.
whew.

i mostly did brainless stuff the first night, surfed the tv and blogs...went through some emails.
i tried to read a "deep" book and pray...but i was too braindead from a long day.
i called pat and cried.
i missed him {and the kids...i think?? mostly him}
and i felt guilty for NEEDING this.
it just felt weird.

and SO quiet.

i slept for 9 hours!!!
and had a GREAT day on saturday.
mostly read the Bible.
and prayed.
and listened.
and wrote.
God showed up BIG time to me.

i did go for a 2 hour walk at a park.
and ate a YUMMY burger for dinner!

i slept ok the second night.
it was just so quiet...and not my bed.

the last day i checked out and went to my sister's.
she lives in DC.
she's very cool and hip!
we went for a run.
and talked and ate lunch.
i loved seeing her house and meeting her roommates.
it's so cool to me that my "baby sister" is one of my closest friends that i can tell anything too.

one of her roommates asked us, as we were sitting in the living room, "so, are you guys a lot alike?"
{everyone always thinks we LOOK alike, and we definitely have a lot of the same mannerisms and sayings}
and she {hannah} said, "Yes! I mean, no. Well, yes!?!"
it was funny.
what's REALLY cool is that i totally know what she meant by each of those
{correct me if i'm wrong, hannah!}

the first "yes": yes, we both love to run and exercise and our family and each other and we're both kinda quiet and people pleasers and love to care for people and love to read.

the "no": she's WAY more adventurous than me...she LOVES to travel...and she sleeps in - LATE! like, she has to set an alarm on the weekends so she doesn't miss the whole day! and i have a family - a BIG one and she doesn't. we're in different STAGES of life, so...that's makes us NOT alike.

and the second "yes": we both love God with all our hearts and seek to glorify Him with our lives. yes, we are alike. the other stuff doesn't matter! :-)

i love her.

anyways...then, my mom met me at hannah's and we went to maryland to see jenny and baby Henry! he was like, 3 hours old!!! and perfect and adorable! and jenny is amazing and looked so great!

what a GREAT ending, right??

i LOVED arriving home.
they were all so glad to see me.
i LOVED their hugs and notes and little treasures they made me!
they had a GREAT time with their daddy...he's the best.

so, there's what i DID on the outside...now, to what happened on the inside.

so...i went into this weekend really hoping to come home "fixed" and better.
i didn't want all the money and effort it took to be a waste.
but, i have issues with "expectations" and knew that it was quite possible that i would just be rested...but not "fixed."
i was prepared for that.

thankfully, it wasn't a waste.

i don't know if this will make sense to you.
but i'm going to share it anyways...partly for myself...and maybe for some of you?
God clearly told me that i have made our adoption my god.
instead of Him.

when we stepped forward in this process close to 2 years ago, it was out of obedience to what He was calling us to.
clearly, this is not the case for everyone that adopts.
for us, it was.
God might call some people to choose to stay at home and not work, others to be missionaries in another country (or this country!), others to let a family live in their basement that has nowhere to go, it could be anything...He can use you anywhere!!!

but, for us, at that time, this was our calling.
He asked.
we said, "yes!"
it was scary...and not easy.

those months following that decision were some of the sweetest of my life.
living in the glow of obeying Him was like nothing else.
there are some that argue that God doesn't necessarily bless our obedience.
i don't agree.

"He replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.”
Luke 11:28


"Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them."
John 13:17

{this does NOT mean that if we obey Him, things will always be easy or happy...just to clarify}

anyways, i loved that sweet feeling so much...and, in the process of wanting to hold onto it, somehow switched that feeling from being from HIM {which was the TRUTH} to being from our adoption {which is the LIE.}

fast forward 18 months...and you have a mom...yearning for her kids halfway around the world...and looking to THAT for her joy and fulfillment.

it's not gonna happen.

no matter how long or short this adoption process takes
no matter how easy or hard the adjustment is
NONE of it is going to give me the JOY that i need to find in HIM.
the joy that ONLY He can give!
NOTHING compares!

i don't remember exactly what i was reading or listening to when He made this clear to me.
i didn't audibly hear Him speak.
but, I KNEW.
oh, i KNEW without a doubt that THIS was what i was there for.
THIS was the reason i needed this time away.

my initial reaction?
i was devastated!
i sobbed.
i was ashamed!
how could i do this? to HIM!
that has done SO much for me...that gave His Son for me...that has blessed me over and over and over???
it seemed like such an UGLY, awful thing to do!

that didn't last long.
pretty much as soon as i felt devastated, i told Him i was sorry. so sorry.
and i asked for His forgiveness.
and, you know what?? it washed over me.
i can say that i felt it, His mercy and grace washing over me.
i felt lighter immediately.
it was amazing.

i spent the rest of the day in awe.
of how quick He is to forgive and move on.
He continued to show me where my heart should be.
and that He would be with me...no matter what.
that HIS strength and joy will be there...will get me through.

i am changed.
His mercy has a new meaning to me now.
and i pray i will always remember it.