a friend wrote me a short email a couple weeks ago...it basically said, "i am praying for you. don't forget you are FIERCELY loved by Him."
my breath caught.
do i believe that?
well, i should.
the God of the universe loves me.
so much that He sent His Son to die for me.
i feel so much pain just because i am separated from 2 of my sons...i can't imagine the pain He felt.
i am searching deep in my heart...trying to understand why i have a hard time believing i am loved fiercely by Him.
He is teaching me so much...everywhere i turn...everything thing i do...
then, last night, i read this in the book i "happened" to pick up:
"Finally, we reach the point where we begin to search for a new life, one that depends less on circumstances and more on the depth of our souls. That, in turn, opens us to new ideas and perspectives, including spiritual ones. We feel the need for something beyond ourselves, and it begins to dawn on us that reality may be more than we once thought it to be. We begin to perceive hints of the divine, and our longing grows. To our shock and bewilderment, we discover that there is a Being in the universe who, despite our brokenness and sin, loves us fiercely. In coming to the end of ourselves, we have come to the beginning of our true and deepest selves."
Jerry Sittser
i am searching.
just recently i came to the conclusion that i wouldn't be "right" until our boys were home. that this unrest in my soul was because our family is split up across the world and i had just resigned myself to the fact that things would be hard until they came home.
but...i don't think that's the truth.
this is about more than that.
yes, He is using this adoption journey to teach me a LOT...and i'm trying to learn it all :-)
do you see how even in that previous conclusion i was making it about something other than His love for ME?
HE loves ME.
and He wants all of me...to fall on my face in front of Him...not what's left of me after my day with my kids...or what's left of me after i've checked the adoption blogs *one more time*...but ME. just ME. but ALL of me.
this is a tricky lesson for me.
because i think He's also teaching me to be more gentle to myself.
and, i can easily get "hard" on myself for...well, pretty much everything.
so...still learning here.
baby steps.
but, so thankful for each and every painful and beautiful one!
and, just so you know, YOU are loved fiercely, too!
do you believe it??
8 comments:
beautiful
I am so feeling that this week.
and, i think he understands because he didn't just send his son to die for you, he, even before that, chose to separate the Godhead for the first time by incarnating himself in Jesus. So, he had to, and will for eternity be, separated within the Godhead.
Obviously God is still God and the triune God exists, but God chose to strip self of self, separate, long before the greatest separation on the cross. All those years lived, God and Jesus were not one as they were as the original Godhead.
God understands separation likely better than we ever will, and his empathy is vast.
I think he knows your pain. And I think, dare I say, in light of the brokenness of the world and the search for reunion, that your yearning, your pain, is beautiful.
Great is the value of your pain the world at large, as these boys likely have not yet known what it's like to be yearned after, and yet, it's precisely what they deserve.
Thank God for you.
=)
{And before I get called a heretic =), I should note that while Jesus sits at the hand of the Father, he is not in the same form he was before the incarnation. He sits alongside*, and the Holy Spirit has been sent, so the Godhead is mobilized and has taken on roles it had not prior to the incarnation. People don't talk about this in this century/last, but I think it's an important point. God made sacrifices before the cross, and he lived separate from Jesus for Jesus' lifetime. Different from now. Different from the beginning. Different from Old Testament times. God gave of self over a long period of time, and continues to...}
I don't know if I really believe that or not....
I usually think more of myself loving HIM fiercely. It's hard to take that kind of love in from Him, it's just difficult to absorb for those of us who are hard on ourselves. I usually don't feel worthy of Him loving me fiercely. I suppose that's the beauty of it...
Would love to sit down for a cup of coffee (for me - diet coke for you :) and a nice long chat with you Courtney.
Right there with you, sister. Processing, seeking to understand his love for me, because I just don't really get it deep down in my heart where I need to. So many reasons not to love me. So many ways I feel I have failed. Asking God to reveal it in the midst of all of my failures and heartaches.
He loves me...something I have to tell myself every day. i don't truly grasp His love for me. it's something that i didn't believe for a long time. He opened my eyes a few years back, thankfully. now i want to believe it with all my heart but it's so hard to LIVE like i believe it and believe deep down in my soul!!! I KNOW it's true but have to constantly TELL myself to believe it. a huge struggle on this here.
oh how i've missed you my friend. you have not been far from my heart these last several weeks...i know i've been absent from the computer, but you've not been absent from my heart. you ARE fiercely loved. SO loved. Have you read Beth Moore's book "Believing God"? I'm leading the biblestudy again (day 1 was today) but she wrote a book on the same material. I think you'd love it. It's about not just believing IN him. But flat out Believing God. That He is who he says he is. That He can do what he says he can do. That I am who God says I am. It changed my life 4 years ago when I did it. And i'm excited to see how He's going to change it again. Love you - am anxious to call and catch up with you!
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