there's nothing better...{this one's a doozy - sorry!}

i'm not sure i'm ready to "talk" but i have to get all this out of my head...

first, some cute stuff:

bailey and sawyer helped me decorate our packages...

and we got them mailed off!!! there's nothing better...right??
{still have a few more to mail...but feels good to have a big chunk done!}

i LOVE to watch sawyer sleep. there's nothing better. and i love it so much that i risked him waking up to take a picture! i wonder why i love it so much. i think part of it must be that he might be my last baby! we have no idea how old our rwandan boys will be...

there's nothing better than reading to my kids. all of them. if i sit down on the couch with a book and start reading...they will ALL come...one at a time...it doesn't matter what book it is. i need to do it more often. sawyer comes up to me many times a day with a book, "read dis."

simple pleasures. yet why is it so hard for me to leave the "tasks" behind sometimes and do it?? ugh.

we have read this book and listened to the cd that comes with it COUNTLESS times this week. seriously, COUNTLESS. the song is playing in my head at all times...and it chokes me up every time. she knows every word. what page goes with each set of words (and she CAN'T read). lots of dancing in our house this week :-)

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

sawyer getting into "down dog" :-)

i mean...there's nothing better! :-)

ok. if you've made it this far - go grab a cookie or something! you deserve it!

i'm going to move onto the deeper stuff. if you're done - have a great day!


"I'll choose to believe that sometimes the happiest ending isn't the one you keep longing for, but something you absolutely cannot see from where you are."
Shauna Niequist

when we started this adoption journey, i knew it wouldn't be easy. i knew there would be challenges and waiting and lots of money spent and hard moments. but i did NOT know it would be like this. i think i thought we'd suffer through the paperwork, prance through the wait and complain a bit but it would go "as planned" and it would be so exciting and then the adjustment to having them home would be the hardest part to deal with.

i know everyone's journey is different.
i do NOT want to compare to others {although that's hard not to do.}

but this journey through the rwanda program has been unique - no?

i KNOW there are countries where you have long waits! but you know that going into it.
we did not know.

we thought one thing and have had to totally switch gears.
change our mindset and hearts.
it has been brutal.
{please, God, let the darkness of the last few months be the "hardest part" of this for me..i don't know if i can handle anything harder!}
we have questioned (do we switch programs to a different country? how long will we wait? 1 year? 5 years?)
we have been angry and frustrated.

so far, i can say with complete clarity that God has answered us loud and clear.
we will wait and fight for our boys in Rwanda.
the answer, for now, is that we will do that for as long as it takes.
unless He tells us otherwise.
{trust me. God and i have had some "discussions" over this. He knows how to make Himself heard..even if i am holding my fingers in my ears and everything!}

like a good friend reminded me today, this is not about ME or our FAMILY or even those sweet BOYS. this is about Him.
yes, God is using this to teach me so so so much and He is using it to open our children's eyes and He is using it to give 2 boys a family...but His plan is so much greater than that! we don't know it all. we probably never will. but His timing is perfect....not perfect for ME, or them...but perfect for HIM. {thank you, megan!!!}

advent this year has been deeper for me. all the talk about "waiting" and "hoping" and "wonder" that goes with Advent are so much more real to me as i'm in my own season of "waiting" and "hoping" and "wonder." that is sweet, huh?


so, yes, God is teaching me a lot.

one thing: patience. i've never been good at it. and, can you believe this?
i'm even impatient in learning my lesson on patience!
i'm all, "ok. i am learning patience. enough already! let's get on with it!"
right. so, still working on that one.

two other things i'm learning are a little confusing and hard to balance together:
i am lonely and need to pray through that AND i need to be more engaged with my kids in the afternoons.
here's the thing - i did a lot of Bible studies and play dates and weekly get togethers with people when rebekah and joshua were little. as much as i could plan, i did. it was good for me to be with other moms and get out of the house. once i had bailey, i made the conscious decision to pull back. and even more once i had sawyer. these days are precious...fleeting...the play dates and Bible studies were for ME - not them (even though we like to convince ourselves otherwise) and i needed to be their mom and teach them and train them...not just manage them. but, i am now realizing that maybe i've pulled back too much. i need to be intentional with the friendships i have and i NEED friends that can encourage me and make me feel normal. i don't know what this means. it will likely be a slight change on the outside - i don't have time for more - but, hopefully, a big change on the inside.

and the afternoons. i HATE the afternoons. each kid needs something different at all times {rebekah-homework and listening to every detail of her day, joshua-trying to pull something out of him or he would remain silent, bailey-wants constant touch and attention, sawyer-he's 2 1/2: need i say more??), i'm tired and trying to finish up my "list" from the day, and make dinner, and get them bathed and ready for bed and dinner cleaned up and the house cleaned up and piano practiced (or taught!) and i escape all the craziness by "just checking email" which turns into more than a minute...and then they are saying, "mom...______" and i say, "just a minute" as my eyes are on the computer screen reading an email or a blog and i HATE it. deep inside, i HATE it. that's NOT what i want my kids to remember. i'm blessed to be at home with them and i need to TRULY BE AT HOME.

so, new rule this week. NO touching the computer from 2:30-8 pm. and only checking email ONCE from 7:30 am til sawyer's nap. i'm sad to say how hard it's been. i didn't realize how often i was on the computer until i couldn't do it. and, i have to say, i feel MUCH more connected to my kids because of it.

i made another rule too (actually i had 5 new rules total on monday morning but quickly realized that was WAY too much to handle...so just 2 new rules): drink more water. it really makes you feel better! i just don't drink a lot and i have to force myself to keep drinking throughout the day.

i feel like this was a mess of a post. i wish i was a better writer and better able to say what's in my heart.

God is good. He is so real. i'm thankful for the ways He's provided for me to see Him, to serve Him, to love Him lately. my heart is lighter not because our circumstances have changed, but because the truths i've known are finally getting deep into my heart and mind, i'm choosing to believe them no matter what happens.

off to get geared up for "Friend Friday" followed by "Family Night"! :-)