snow days and christmas cookies

i almost just posted the pictures with no words.
if i was obeying the "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" rule, that's what i'd do.

but, this journey is mine and i know {hope!} one day i'll be past this and will be encouraged by looking back on it all...

the kids got out 2 hours early yesterday.
we made christmas cookies once they came in from playing in the snow.
{i didn't play in the snow. i basically hid out in the house and wandered around in circles trying not to cry.}

i know my limits {well, maybe not really...but i at least acknowledge that i have some} so, i let the kids fill the first 2 pans with cookies. then put on The Nativity Story for them to watch, put sawyer to bed and i did the other 236 pans of cookies :-)

and this pan??
dumb. stupid.
went in the trash just like this.
i have NO idea what you're supposed to use it for and i don't care.
the cookies were like cakes or something?!? i don't know. and i did NOT have the patience to mess with it.

when i look at these pictures, i want to cry.
i was having SUCH a hard time.
it literally took ALL my willpower to sit there and not run in the other room and sob my eyes out...everything hurt - my body, my heart, my brain...i kept apologizing to them after i would get frustrated when they would drop the knife FULL of icing on the floor...again...or put so much icing on a cookie that it was dripping off like crazy, "i'm so sorry, guys, i'm just so tired." they kept saying, "it's ok." but it wasn't.

i hate that the candle isn't lit. i always light candles.
i hate that i didn't put christmas music on. i love christmas music.
but i just didn't care.

i think they still had fun.
i hope they did.
once i got them in bed, i stared at the wall for a little bit, read for even shorter and went to bed exhausted.
i woke up exhausted...

the kids had a 2 hour delay today which was kind of fun?!? {i'm sorry...i don't know ANYTHING these days...IS it fun? :-) good grief!}

it WAS fun walking rebekah and joshua up to the school together. i do know that.

party after party for the next week starting tonight.
i love people. i love parties.
but i'm not the least bit excited at the moment.
i just want to curl up and cry.
maybe i'll go do that and i'll feel better?!?

{i'm pretty sure i'm not as bad off as this post sounds. although i don't really know, you know, because i'm not sure of anything at the moment. His truth is still stronger and more powerful than all the ugliness and hurt that is in my heart. i DO know that...even if i have to keep telling myself over and over every 10 seconds. thanks for your love and prayers. they are carrying me through...}