this week has been so fun and so hard at the same time.
seems impossible. yet it's the truth.
i'm not sure this is going make ANY sense...but here we go!
i don't feel quite ready to process yet, but i have to...too much is coming up in the next 48 hours to keep waiting!
so...back to sunday...the day after christmas.
we were all exhausted.
the goal of the day was to rest. and to connect with bailey.
i was feeling like she kinda got "lost" on christmas day.
so, after church, we all sat down and made jewelry with her new jewelry set.
we made a necklace and bracelet for each of "the four girls." :-)
we also made some "winter" signs.
it was fun!
they could only use white crayons {i ended up making a couple exceptions for the snowman's face, etc.} and then we put white and silver glitter on at the end.
pat ended up working quite a bit...which i handled pretty well. {he was home and supposed to be NOT working...}
i looked forward to it all day.
and it was wonderful. encouraging. just what i needed.
tuesday was a good day.
we got a lot done {emptied our whole storage room...went through it...got new shelves...put them together and re-organized everything!}
played games off and on with each kids.
rebekah and joshua each went to a birthday party for a friend.
bailey and i did our nails together.
pat worked a lot. i was hoping to take rebekah shopping - just her and i - but i had to take all 4 kids...the frustration of that and the difference between my expectations and reality were building....but it was still a good day.
and we sat down at the end of it and planned out wednesday.
it was going to be "family day."
we had a great combination of being together and doing fun stuff mapped out.
when i wake up in the morning, i can tell what kind of day it's going to be for my heart pretty quickly.
wednesday, i woke up and the darkness was back.
i ignored it.
ran with my running group.
then, ran another mile with rebekah!
{this eldest daughter of mine is growing up and i'm not quite sure if i'm handling it well...i'm trying...but, wow! not sure i'm ready for this! i've read and been recommended some GREAT resources: bringing up girls by dobson, the Lily series by Rue and just TALKING to her}
but i literally thing bailey's joy is keeping me afloat...she is such a gift.
how i would love to throw that thing down the toilet.
he hated it just as much as i did...
i was trying SO hard to hold it together.
it's SO exhausting trying to be "normal" when i feel the way i felt.
i spent about 30 minutes before we go the kids up from their naps and began the second part of our day trying to "regroup."
God led me to this verse:
"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal." Isaiah 26:3-4
i desire that so much...His perfect peace.
i get glimpses...but it gets covered up so quickly by all the other ugly stuff in my head and heart.
there's a great train exhibit i had heard about from a number of people.
we went through the exhibit - it WAS cool! and the kids loved it!
i was on the verge of tears.
i asked the girl by the door at the botanic gardens which direction to go...she pointed us in the right direction and said it was about a mile away...
then the kids started complaining...and arguing...
and it was getting colder and colder...
and there was NO sign of the christmas tree...
45 minutes later, we finally get there!
we barely had enough time at this point to turn around right away and get back to our car before the parking meter ran out...we thought an hour and a half was PLENTY of time to walk a mile there and back...it was CLEARLY more than a mile!
i took this picture with them, left my coat on the stroller, grabbed the keys and my cell phone and ran the whole way back to the car.
just guessing from how long it took me...it was about 2 1/2 miles.
i prayed and cried the whole way...thankfully it was dark.
i just kept saying, "you will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast" over and over and over.
i NEED a steadfast mind. my mind feels so CRAZY! and all over the place!
and thankfully no one carried the crazy lady away to the loony bin that was running in jeans {that i had to hold up the whole time because i didn't put a belt on because they were tighter than they should have been!}, crying her eyes out all the way down the National Mall...
pat stayed with the kids and they saw the tree and the train and played "I Spy" :-)
i just didn't know if i could do it.
but we did and it ended up being a sweet ending to a hard day.
i'm so thankful that they don't know what's going on with me.
it's so "easy" to please them and give them moments of joy amidst my despair.
i do NOT know how he can even stand to look at me.
i'm so on edge.
he never knows which "courtney" he's going to get.
yet, no matter which one it is, he is ready to laugh with me, hug me, hold me, comfort me, forgive me.
i am so very blessed.
not as bad as yesterday.
but not great.
being in the middle of this and not knowing how to change it or what is causing it is so hard.
i'm sick of trying to "figure it out."
i'm TIRED of each day being so hard.
i'm thankful for those that love me that are praying for me.
i'm thankful for pat...for his love.
i'm thankful for my Father - who i KNOW is holding me and loving me through it all.
headed to my parents in a little bit to celebrate christmas with my side of the family! fun!!
and getting our house ready for a BIG party tomorrow!
12 adults, 13 kids for our annual new years eve gathering!
this group of people is so special to us...and we can't wait to be with them!
{and they will love me whether i'm "good" or not! i am praying i'm "good" though...}
13 comments:
Courtney, you don't know me, but I've been reading your blog for a while now. I can't even remember if I've ever commented before.
Anyway, after reading this post, I felt like I needed to say something.
I've been there. Where you are. With darkness covering each day. When I went through it, I couldn't see what was going on, I just felt down and not myself. I believe that God lifted my darkness. I still have moments of darkness, but I think that's just part of life. Just cling to God. He is the only one to get you through this. I WILL be praying for you!
good job.
;-)
and I mean that on so many levels friend.
you are doing a good job.
I've been missing you Courtney! I am so glad to read this and 'see' you friend.
You don't know me either, but I've been reading here for a while, reading about the darkness you've been struggling with lately, and I really don't feel like I can keep on reading in silence without saying that I think you might be clinically depressed. It explains so much of what you've been going through -- the sadness, crying, trouble sleeping or wanting to sleep too much, and the unexplained physical aches as well. I've been through it myself, and although we think we can just pull it together if we try hard enough, and pray hard enough, sometimes, we need to reach out for help. Consider going to the doctor and talking to them about anti-depressant medication. It doesn't have to be something permanent, just something to help put you back on the right track during this darkest period. Depression hurts the people around us more than we realize. Just something to think about.
I think that we all struggle with surrender at times...sometimes often:). That's why I once suggested that you read Hinds Feet on High Places. It really helped me to see that God often takes us on journeys that take surprising twists and turns. Sometimes He turns us in what seems to be the exact opposite direction from where we thought He was taking us. But He needs for us to trust Him and surrender everything to Him. Our fears, our pride, our expectations....all of it. Once you can truly surrender everything to Him, you'll be amazed at the peace that fills your heart. I'll be praying for you and your family!
Courtney, you don't know me either, but I am old enough to be your mom and am so impressed by you and your loving family. I encourage you to keep up your prayer, but agree with the other poster who suggested that you should talk with your doctor. You may be clinically depressed, or may need your hormone levels checked. I had a short period of clinical depression and I thought I hid it so well from my children, recent discussions years later revealed that I wasn't hiding it so well after all. Godspeed to you my dear.
Pat is amazing and so are you! I do love that God created YOU for him and HIM for you. What a gift. Such a gift.
I am praying and love you dear friend... hugs!!!
You don't know me either Courtney, but I am another Rwanda adoptive mama. I have been reading your posts and my heart aches for you. I can't sit back anymore and not say anything. You need to go to your doctor and talk to him/her about depression. There is no shame in it. I have been down a very similar road, and trust me, as much as I tried to hide it from my kids, they noticed. They noticed... Depression hurts not only you, but your loved ones also. You deserve to get the help you need, and it doesn't need to be permanent. You, Pat, and your kids deserve to have you healthy and happy. It is especially important to do this now BEFORE those other 2 precious boys come home. Life will only get darker and harder with the stress of adoption and post-adoption reality. Said with love and prayer...
Praying for you!!!
love you. and praying for His perfect peace in you!
oh and ps...i want to throw davey's iphone and laptop out the window pretty much DAILY!! ugh!
I agree with some of the comments of your other readers about the possibility of being clinically depressed.
First off, you are a great mom. You are very active with them and you put them first, that is apparent in your blog. You need to remember that. Your children, your family seem to be your everything. You are an amazing, caring person. I've never met you but from reading, you are probably the most compassionate person that I've ever heard of.
Second, there is no shame in admitting that you need help. Depression isn't failure. It doesn't mean that you can't handle your life. When someone has depression, everyday life is hard. Really hard. Believe me, I know. Going to a dr for help (be it therapy, medications, etc) doesn't mean that you aren't a good mom, wife, child of God, or person. Once you realize that, getting help may not be so hard. Help is just that...help. A boost, to call it. It will help you enjoy your days with your children and make those hard days not quite so hard and more enjoyable. You will be able to enjoy these last few months or so with your children before the dynamic changes with the addition of two more.
i don't know if you've been reading my new blog or not, but i think i really understand you right now.
feeling like the smiling pictures are a complete fake because the way i feel inside doesn't match.
trying to keep my little family together is hard business.
i get it. and wanting to throw the fricking blackberry in the toilet.
that is my WORLD. my hubs' job is basically all the time accessibility. it's hard.
you rock.
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