the darkness

it started at the beginning of september.
it was very subtle at first.
i started pushing "snooze" on my alarm when it went off.
and not because i was really that tired...but because i didn't want to face the day.

it got bigger.
but i noticed it mostly in the "little" things.
when i was in the car pick up line to pick up my kids after school, i had to give myself a pep talk just to get a little smile on my face.
i HATED that.
WHY am i not excited to see my kids?
why does everything feel so HARD?

i didn't curl up in a ball and lay in bed in my dark bedroom all day
{although i wanted to}
3 things kept me afloat {besides God, of course}:
pat, my kids and this blog.
i knew they were watching me.
and i knew you were watching me.
i kept going through the motions.
it took everything in me to do that.
i was in denial for awhile.
and then i started to let it sink in.

the darkness is there and it's not going away.
it's not "pms" or a bad mood.
it's here and it's big and i can't ignore it.
i need to deal with this.

i was scared.
so so scared.
the last 2 months have been the darkest of my life.
and one of the hardest parts of that is there's no "reason".
sure, there have been lots of "little things" that could add up to life "being hard."

every day, when i woke up, my heart just felt DARK.
that's the best way i can explain it.
there wasn't hope or joy or light.
just DARK.

i fought admitting it...until i couldn't any longer.
and then i admitted it and fought it by talking and praying and crying my little heart out.

the last 2 weeks of october were so so hard.
i was so deep in whatever i was in.
i screamed at my kids more than i ever have in their little lives.
i was edgy and snippy to pat as he was loving me through it all.
and i didn't care.

other than the gracious, never-ending love of God, Pat was so so amazing.
he would ask me how i was.
he would listen and then hold me when i couldn't speak.
he told me i was going to be ok.
and i could tell he believed it and that meant a lot - because i couldn't believe it myself.
i would call him in the middle of the day at work and SCREAM:
"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!" like the lunatic that i was.
and i meant it.
and he would not hang up on me.
and he didn't make me feel like i was being ridiculous.
he loved me. he loved me over and over and over.
it was so hard for me to hear and see God during the last 2 months.
but He used Pat to speak to me and touch me and love me and i'm so thankful for my husband.
for him being able to TRULY love me in the hard moments.

last friday, when i woke up, there was a teeny bit of light in my heart.
oh, how i clung to that all day!
it's still there.
and it's slowly getting bigger.
yet i still feel so fragile, and like any little thing will make that suffocating darkness come back.

i'm clinging to His word and pouring over it like never before.
He is real and He loves me...even through this.
i KNOW that even when i don't FEEL it.

and i pray the light continues to overtake the darkness.
oh, darkness...go AWAY!