Saturday, October 2, 2010

stream of consciousness in 3 minutes

i wanted to quit yesterday. lots of times. i had just reached that limit in myself where i had nothing left. i would think, "i'm done. i can't do this one more minute. i can't answer one more question or hear one more whine or think of one more thing that NEEDS to be done. I'M DONE!" and then, as quickly as i would think that, i would think, "you can do it. you CAN dig deeper. He will help you." and He would. and then the cycle would start all over again about 7 minutes later. and the whole time, bailey was playing her princess i was re-living my junior high/high school days through "a whole new world" and "part of your world" being blasted. those were the days when i though i knew what love was and who i was and who God was. i was so wrong. i spent a LOT of energy trying not to cry. and then i just cried and that was also exhausting. i think posting that post on thurs nite opened a band-aid (so to speak) and the wound was flowing. it's too painful to let myself "go there" all the time. and it's not fair to my husband and kids here now. so i don't. but i had to to post about where we are on our journey and i've pretty much been a mess ever since. it was a long morning. but He knew that. He sent 2 friends that know me deeply to seek me out. to take the time out of their long days to encourage and speak truth to me. and another friend ministered to me in a huge way without even communicating with me at all...but by being a true they have been from day one.  i had a lot to do. but i created quite a bit of it and was too stubborn to let some of it go {surprise, surprise}. i managed to rally when the kids got home from school. after we cleaned out the car {2 trashbags of STUFF! what in the world?!?} and vacuumed it, we did the greatest craft {more on that later} together as we ate freshly made pumpkin muffins in the porch. it was a highlight of my day. i made a new recipe for dinner. it was a good one. i will share later. and then we went to the local high school football game. it was against the town rival. wow. that really took me back. the kids thought it was the best thing EVER. as i sat there on the hard bleachers as my body began to feel the effects of the week and the day and HURT all over and i thought about my high school football games and then when our kids will be there at their high school football games, i just wanted to curl up in the fetal position and cry. a lot. life. it's crazy, huh?? it's just life. and i'm not handling it that well right now. it's ok. so we got the happy, tired kids home and in bed and then we headed there shortly after and when my alarm went off this morning i had NO idea what was going on. for a second. then i remembered! a long run! by myself! i hopped up and headed out to a GORGEOUS morning. a great run. then showered and headed out with all 4 kids to their 3 soccer games in the span of 2 1/2 hours. back and forth to fields. snacks and drinks handed out to sawyer to keep him happy as i drug him along. {many pictures to follow of bailey's first soccer game ever! and rebekah did AWESOME at goalie! and joshua has decided he wants to be a coach when he grows up. and i think he would be a GREAT one!} home for lunch and now pat's home and doing yard work and i'm headed out to a baby shower {what a BLESSING! babies!} and then to a family birthday celebration at pat's parents. life. busy. full of blessing. sometimes hard. my body still hurts. i'm so thankful we actually take Sunday to rest. because my body is yearning for it.

there you have it. my brain at this moment.
{and that was probably more like 6 minutes...}


Tisha said...

That was fun to read. You are one busy mama!!

Katy said...

i love the stream! you've been chewing on so much lately court. i feel like my heart and my head will explode just reading through it...much less live through it! i have no words for you - except to tell you that i love you! (and i do have to admit that aladdin takes me back to those HS days too!! :) )