thinking out loud and {hopefully} a little encouragement

my heart is not good.
not right.
and i can't figure it out.

i have spent the last week trying to FORCE it to be joyful.
we just had the most amazing experience with the whole yard sale.
i have NO reason not to be joyful.
none.

i feel guilty and ugly admitting the way my heart feels.
but, it's the truth.

and there is no reason for me to feel this way.
pat and i are good...even great.
the kids are good.
everyone is healthy.
life is good.
so so many blessings.

i am soaking myself with "those" worship songs i always go back to when i need to remember...
to remember who HE is.
and what HE has done for me.

i am soaking myself with the truth of the Word and His promises.

but it just doesn't feel like it's getting through.

i'm tired.
but not just "i need a nap" tired...tired to my soul.

maybe it's Satan.
maybe it's my own sinful flesh.
i don't know.

what i DO know is this:
Satan will not win.
my sinful flesh will not win {maybe some of the battles...but not the war!}
God will win.
HE has my heart in His hands.
He will use this to shape me and mold me.
He will draw me to Himself.
over and over.

this isn't fun.
it doesn't feel good.
i feel badly for Pat and my kids.
i'm trying to act like everything is fine.
but i'm not very good at that.

i just hope this all leaves as quickly as it comes.

now...for the encouragement...

when i get in a place like this i try to remember.
the Bible talks a lot about people remembering the things God has done for them.
it's something i think we, as a people, need to do more often.
we are so quick to move on and never look back.

i try to remember when i've been in places like this before.
discouraged...discontent...antsy...
how did it turn out?
what did i learn?

for some reason this morning i was brought back to the days where i just had Rebekah.
i felt so so discontent in that place.
like i had SO much more to give and my life wasn't full enough.
i wanted a HOUSE full of kids.
i wanted a HOUSE for that matter {not our 1 bedroom apartment}.
i wanted a place to have people over.
the desires of my heart were things that i knew God "should" want for me.
they weren't for like yacht's or fancy clothes or something. :-)

yet nothing changed.

except my heart.

He taught me to be content in all circumstances.
He taught me to clean my 1 bedroom apartment well.
and parent my 1 precious child with all my heart.
and use my teeny kitchen to make people meals and take it to THEIR house.

and...when He had changed my heart, He blessed me with 3 more (and 2 more coming!) children...and a house that we can have 50 people over to say "farewell" to friends we love without even having to move furniture around! He has blessed me with more than i could have ever imagined. and all those "things" are not just "things" because i KNOW they are from HIM and they are HIS and i pray that we always GLORIFY Him in all that He's given us.

so...i feel like there is someone out there that needs that encouragement today.
that feels like they have so much more to give and God isn't giving it to them.
keep on keeping on.
follow Him today...wherever He's called you.