Saturday, April 3, 2010

a little bit of my ugly heart

if you made it through all those pictures from our trip, wow.
i know it was a lot!
but i wanted it all on here!

i have to be honest though
{you KNOW i do! :-)}

i was struggling as we came home.
some ugly stuff was going on in my heart...
comparing myself to the amazing mom i had just had the privilege to watch.
and wondering if my kids were wishing i was different?

do they wish i would dig in a stream for creatures?
or know how to play football?

it's a thin line...between being challenged in a healthy way to be who God wants me to be...and comparing myself in an unhealthy way to someone else and wishing i was who they were.

in NO way did anyone make me feel like i wasn't the mom i should be.
it's just own thoughts and ponderings.

so, this is going on in my head as we get home...and i dump all 8 loads of laundry on the floor and start tackling that. and then make the menu/grocery list and get ready to head to the grocery store.

rebekah asks to come along.
and bring her wallet.

i say, "yes."

she uses all her money to buy each person in our family something at the grocery store ($7)

and then she packages it all up to present to us at dinner that night.

the pictures aren't great...i was beyond tired...but wanted it documented.

we all got jelly beans.
some got things from around the house (sawyer's book)

pat got his favorite candy

and i got a $4 candle.
it's just a "thing"...but it encouraged my heart.
i am her mom.
and she loves me.
she doesn't need me to be like someone else's mom.
she needs me to be HER mom...and God has given me that role and i need to be confident in that and embrace it and be the best mom to HER (and the rest of my kids!)

she has no idea how God used her kindness and thoughtfulness and generosity that night to encourage His own daughter.

once again, i am humbled by one of my children...


anthonyandbeth said...

the comparisons. it's SO hard. i'm glad God used your girl to remind you of how special you are to your family and to Him.

Tisha said...

Ugh, I agree. It is hard not to compare. There is always someone "better" always someone "worse."
Moms are just people. And no one does it all!
(Sometimes I feel bad for not doing enough fun stuff when I compare myself to YOU!)

Alden and Dorian said...

Courtney, my dear Courtney ~ why do we do that to ourselves? Compare to others? YOU, my daughter, are precious to your family, to us, to your friends. You are God's child, perfect for your family. The Goetz are perfect for their family. Great that you are friends! You appreciate each other. Love YOU!

Alden and Dorian said...

P.S. I am her mom....and she loves me. Mother to never changes even with age. I love you daughter, beyond measure.

beckley said...

Oh, Courtney, in the words of Mufasa, "Remember who you are."


I was all sad, and then got silly. I got up before 6am for the sunrise at the beach, and let's not pretend that's at all normal for me.

If you do those comparisons, then we all do. And I can't pack 6 lunches at 6am, or run at 5, or HIKE IN KHAKI PANTS?! or sew things while I also make dinner, or actually upload pictures remotely near when I took them, or blahblahblahblahblah.

Because you are spectacular, and don't you let that tomb slam and start telling you that you don't have power over those lies.

The Tomb is Empty.
He had created a spectacular mom for your kids, and you are so obedient to that. Thank God for you, and your example as a mom.

Shalom be yours this joyous day.
And what a daughter you have there. She must have some kind of example laid in front of her.

Julie said...

i would just be repeating what everyone else said... I struggle with comparing all the time... and my ugly heart and yet God is so gracious. I am so thankful my kids love me... seriously, with all my sin.. .they love me. What a gift!!!! And how amazing that your little girl who WATCHES YOU decided to give to the family in her love language... you are an example to her. A gift. And you are a blessing.

Megan said...

Comparisons suck, yes? It's why some days I honestly can't read too many of your blog posts at once! And I have always heard the Bridget supermom rumors, so I understand that might get to you. But everyone is right about what they said. It's Satan attacking us. You are perfect for your family and where you are not perfect, you are working on it as God reveals it to you. And our kids don't notice our imperfections at this age. To them we are just the mommy they love. Gotta love how God sets that up for us!