Thursday, March 25, 2010

it hurts

i'm really tired at the end of a long day...so bear with me.
{just for a piece of my day...the dentist called 15 minutes after i was supposed to be there just to see if i forgot the appt?? yes, yes i did. rebekah needed 2 fillings. ended up getting a tooth extracted :-) sawyer had no pants or shoes on...i had to grab him from his bed to get to the appt that we were late for. i was in the middle of packing crafts for our trip. it looked like michael's threw up in my kitchen. after the dentist we proceeded to the gym and to finish grocery shopping for our trip and got home at 8:30 pm...}
not sure i'm going to make sense.

but my heart hurts.

i shared the post earlier about my "observations" since i've had my "hands open."
and i shared how i feel peace and freedom.

but i didn't share how much it hurts.

here's the honesty and "real-ness" you guys always say you like :-)

i'm so so selfish.
i like having my house clean.
i like checking things off my list and knowing i DID a lot that day.
i like exercising and eating according to "my plan".

it physically hurts me to make these changes.
they are minute (my-noot) changes.
not big changes.
but they are the things i hold onto so tightly and the things where i get my worth...which is exactly why i need to let them go.

i need to get my worth from looking into His eyes.
from holding onto His hand.
from letting Him carry me...and not throwing myself through my day.

i read this tonight and it struck a chord.

it's scary.

there's a part of me screaming, "NO! i don't want this! i can't do this! i don't want things to be messy!"

but there's a bigger part of me that knows.
that knows He's in the messy stuff.
not the clean stuff.
and i want to be where He is.

so i will go there.
but i'm just saying, it hurts.

10 comments:

Tisha said...

Right. I'm there - with you. You would think it was easy to let go of the unimportant and trivial and selfish, but it's not. It's hard and challenging and difficult and annoying. Since our adopted kids came home, I have had to made a series of adjustments that hurt. Like you said. They just do. There is lots of good, but the hard is still hard....

Alden and Dorian said...

Oh so very thankful you continue to feel that peace....that passes understanding Courtney.

Alden and Dorian said...

Sorry Courtney....I was responding to the next post....didn't realized you posted this one. Oh my, quite different. Courtney, you do seek after what God wants for you. Yes, you like tidy, but you KNOW and want to DO what is important....not always tidy, but precious...like time with your kids, or a friend, or your mom (had to say that!), but really. You keep your eyes on God...yes, you do.

Kim said...

Courtney take each day at a time. Sometime we can't all we want done and it is ok...You are young and have a long time, take each day at a time.If you want to be with kids or mom etc ok. It well get done you need time for you and pat, thekids also. Sometimes you have to say no. Rest please...

Julie said...

oh Courtney you are in such a GOOD place. I know it hurts but the end results will be so rich. You are following what HE wants you to do...not you... and that is always hard. ALWAYS. HUGS to you as you serve our Lord in the areas he wants you to give to him.

Leighann said...

You know I relate. So hard to let go of the things we hold in high esteem.... it has taken me a long time and look what I had to go through to get here!! But one thing I am realizing is that my list never goes away and one day my kids will. The eyes of man are never satisfied for me is translated into always wanting to get the next thing crossed off. I realized it's never enough. And guess what, it all just starts again the next day. I'm not exactly sure when it stopped bothering me, but my attitude is different. Just take one day at a time. The hurt gets less. Love ya, dear one.

OneThankfulMom said...

Courtney, thank you for your words and pointing your readers to my blog. This is a journey that is hard to fathom - adoption has revealed so many things to me and I am thankful, in spite of the pain.

The Lord bless you as you pursue His plan - mess and all.

Lisa

beckley said...

so sorry, court.

grace and peace be yours-

Katy said...

i hear you - loud and clear. it is so much harder....and that's why it's so much more important. the sacrifice is what makes it pleasing in His eyes!!

Tammy said...

YES, letting go hurts...but you are right - that is how you know that you need to let go. I am so proud of you for following Him even through the pain. I bet the little eyes and ears in your house can tell a difference. :) you are an inspiration.