it hurts

i'm really tired at the end of a long day...so bear with me.
{just for a piece of my day...the dentist called 15 minutes after i was supposed to be there just to see if i forgot the appt?? yes, yes i did. rebekah needed 2 fillings. ended up getting a tooth extracted :-) sawyer had no pants or shoes on...i had to grab him from his bed to get to the appt that we were late for. i was in the middle of packing crafts for our trip. it looked like michael's threw up in my kitchen. after the dentist we proceeded to the gym and to finish grocery shopping for our trip and got home at 8:30 pm...}
not sure i'm going to make sense.

but my heart hurts.

i shared the post earlier about my "observations" since i've had my "hands open."
and i shared how i feel peace and freedom.

but i didn't share how much it hurts.

here's the honesty and "real-ness" you guys always say you like :-)

i'm so so selfish.
i like having my house clean.
i like checking things off my list and knowing i DID a lot that day.
i like exercising and eating according to "my plan".

it physically hurts me to make these changes.
they are minute (my-noot) changes.
not big changes.
but they are the things i hold onto so tightly and the things where i get my worth...which is exactly why i need to let them go.

i need to get my worth from looking into His eyes.
from holding onto His hand.
from letting Him carry me...and not throwing myself through my day.

i read this tonight and it struck a chord.

it's scary.

there's a part of me screaming, "NO! i don't want this! i can't do this! i don't want things to be messy!"

but there's a bigger part of me that knows.
that knows He's in the messy stuff.
not the clean stuff.
and i want to be where He is.

so i will go there.
but i'm just saying, it hurts.