for those of you that have never met me in "real life"...
...you might think i have things pretty well balanced.
...you might think i'm fun to be around
...you might think my children never fling themselves down on the floor in the middle of target and have a temper tantrum
those of you that DO know me in "real life" might be able to dispel some of those untruths. :-)
but, as i'm always thinkingthinkingthinking, i'm realizing some stuff about me that i'm having to claim as "who i am".
i'm often so distracted with my 4 children running in 4 different directions that it's hard for me to have any sort of conversation with someone i might run into in public.
i actually have a really hard time talking to people. i don't feel like i used to be that way. maybe i've just lost half my brain and i can't even put 2 thoughts together. i really enjoy talking to people one on one. but have a much harder time in a "group" setting.
i am very selfish with my kids. i don't like them to be with other people. it comes out of love for them. i just feel like my time with them is so short and i don't want to give any of it up. right?wrong? i don't know. but it is how my heart is with my kids. when i DO let them be with other people it is a conscious decision i make for the other person {or that child} to have what they want.
as God's been working hard on me the last few years, i feel like i've become more subdued. more serious. the hurt and pain in this world become so real to me somedays that i literally feel weighted down {oh, wait, that's all that ice cream :-)} i've been told i'm more "solemn." i'm not sure how i feel about all that. i'm thankful that my eyes have been opened. it's changed me for the better. but has it also changed me for the worse? i want to exude the HOPE that is in Him. not the despair that all the pain can cause. how do i balance that? i don't feel like i do it well...yet...but i aim to.
6 comments:
i don't feel like i've figured out that tension yet, either. or maybe it's a process. i don't know. but it is, tough, huh?
but i think our kids are going to figure out how to "figure it out" as they watch us in-process. i think. maybe.
it's a tough tension, this solemness. I'm very solemn compared to the old me as i think about these things. well, i guess i'm wildly silly and crazy, and quickly rooted in the solemnity that might hit me at any moment. and then i'm weighted. who knows what's right. i don't. i'm just in process. and i'm okay with the solemnity of it all; it feels important. like, self-less important. not selfish-important. who knows-
grace and peace to you, friend. you are fantastic.
and can I just cut and paste this as my own!!!??
I couldn't have articulated my last four years any clearer....
i'm a BLESSED person because I DO know you in real life. And I've known you longer than I've NOT known you (I think....that's a lot of math). And yes, you've changed and grown. But you DO have things balanced, your kids ARE TOOOO precious, and your heart is so real and teachable. I love you my friend!
I love you! And am SO BLESSED to know you in "real life!" :)
I SO wish I knew you in real life!!
I can very much relate-I like to call what you describe "calmer." Sounds nice and mature. Ha!
This post... it struck me ... I'm feeling a lot of those things: hard to focus with children running all over, hard to talk in groups, being selfish with children, being more solemn
For me, getting to 3 children, I all of a sudden feel like I don't see my kids enough. I spend more time with them than ever before, but I want even more.
Thanks for sharing.
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