do i tell what's been going on "on the outside" this weekend?
or "on the inside?"
not sure which you'd prefer.
but i know the outside is much prettier.
but i can't not share the "real" stuff.
so you're going to get some of both.
we decorated for Christmas.
getting the train out.
bailey got her own train out.
rebekah got to help pat with the lights during naptime.
looking at our lights once it got dark.
after dinner, we went to get smore's.
sawyer was NOT a dream. and it was not very fun (at least for me).
so, that was the outside.
on the inside, i'm a mess. struggling.
i have HIGH expectations of myself. things need to be DONE and they need to be done WELL.
but there are too many things to be done.
and i certainly can't do them all well.
and i know they aren't important. that's easy to say.
but they still need to be done (what would this place look like if i never did laundry or dishes?)
so, i've had a HARD time this weekend, looking at my looming "to do list" and checking things off, but not feeling like i'm getting anywhere, and spending time with my kid and husband but still never enough, and getting some rest but i still feel tired...
it's making me a bit crazy inside.
and my sin feels so big.
i think that i love others. i talk about giving to clean water.
but i'm such a hypocrite.
when it involves infringing on my convenience...i turn away so easily.
when my kids need a smile, or my attention, it's so easy to be impatient and think finishing the laundry is just as important.
that's what a meant in my post yesterday about it being easier to love those that are far away.
it's easier for me to add "make shirts for clean water" to my "to do " list - and donate that money to charity:water than it is for me to love pat and the kids the way i should.
so, that's my prayer as i head into this Christmas season.
Jesus was born.
as a baby.
to live and die for MY sin. this sin that i HATE.
i am going to open my eyes.
to those around me that need His love.
yes, the POOR and the ORPHANS and the NEEDY.
but also the ones in my house and the ones that check me out at the store and the ones that teach my kids.
i will be His hands and His eyes and love as He loved.
and i will continue to do things WELL. but i hope to do more LOVING and less DOING.
3 comments:
((((HUGS)))) from afar.
I pray you take a deep breath and have some quality time with Pat, you always post that he encourages the socks off of you and fills up your love tank!
This is what I thought about when I read your post. My mentor here talks about how we need to always be aware of our kids "love tanks" and they are usually acting out when their tanks aren't full.
I relate that to us as the mommy and wife... we need our love tanks full too, with God with good kiddos and with our husbands!!! So, when I am feeling like this, it is always good to get my love tank filled with the Word and time with Zach, I usually am happier afterward...
HUGS and I pray you get your love tank filled quickly and you feel the blessings that are all around you!!! You are a great mom and wife, even if you don't feel like it all the time!!! You were made for your husband/kids and your husband/kids were made for you!
I totally get what you are saying. Sometimes my heart is so dark and ugly. Sometimes my kids are forced to take the worst parts of me and they should get the best.
You are not alone.
I needed to read this tonight. I felt like a horrible mom. So little patience, so frustrated, so tired. I hate days like this where I come home drained from teaching other people's children and then have so little in me left for my own. Becky said it exactly, "sometimes my kids are forced to take the worst parts of me and they should get the best."
I'll do better tomorrow. I'll give them the best. Thanks for the reminder and the encouragement that I am not alone.
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