shut down

i think it's probably pretty obvious how i've been feeling lately.
overwhelmed, stressed, take your pick on the word you use - but it's coming through loud and clear, right?

i totally shut down on Sunday.

seriously.

could hardly walk around.
couldn't eat.
slept quite a bit.
don't really remember much about the day to be honest.

that night, pat and i had a "nice long talk."
it's really amazing, comforting, and kind of annoying how well he knows me.
i talked for a long time, sharing my heart, revealing things i thought i'd kept well hidden.
baring my soul, so to speak.

well, i finish and he talks for about 2 minutes.
totally nails how i feel. the good and the bad. i haven't kept anything hidden from him, apparently. he points out why i feel the way i do. tells me what i need to fix.
and does it with love and grace that only he can do.

i'll be honest.
i was a bit mad. and defensive.
but he was so right.
and i hated it. because i hated seeing myself through his eyes.
but i also really needed it.

it was good for me. to take a step back for a day.

and then i spent a lot of time thinking...and praying...
and then i spent the day today IMMERSED in my family.
ENJOYING them (which i've had a hard time doing lately - ENJOYING)

i need to read the top of my blog more often, huh?
"it's not who you knew and it's not what you did, it's how you live"

you all are all so sweet, always telling me i'm too hard on myself and all.
but it's not WHAT i'm doing or not doing (although i love to focus on my lists)
it's HOW i'm doing it - what my heart is feeling - am i totally annoyed with joshua for interrupting me while i'm trying to clean the toilet to ask a question? or am i patient and loving and listen to him?

i just need to calm down and relax.
and be thankful for all i'm blessed with (because i am SO blessed).
(and maybe get to bed a little earlier.)

i've rambled enough. and i'm not even going to go back and read it. so i hope it makes SOME sense.