this has been a hard week. on my heart. as the week has gone on, my heart has gotten heavier and heavier for my kids. i've gotten quieter and quieter at night when pat and i catch up about our days. i haven't been able to figure it out - i just knew things weren't "right."
it all came to a head this morning. rebekah BLATANTLY disobeyed me big time and things were ugly for a while. she got punished. she was crying. pat handled it - he could tell i couldn't. i was in the bathroom crying out of discouragement. (it's only 7:10 in the morning, people!)
i've spent the morning praying, crying, reading.
this week i have prayed about it- but haven't REALLY given it to Him. my schedule or having fun has been a bigger priority. i handed it all over this morning. i can't parent these children on my own. it's way too hard. AND i can't take it personally when they show their sinful selves. i'm responsible for what I do as a parent - ultimately, i'm not responsible for how they choose to react to my parenting. that's hard. i do take it personally - and that's just pride talking. i want my kids to be obedient so that i look like a good parent. that's NOT what it's about. i should be saying, i want my kids to be obedient so that they are glorifying God with their lives.
i could go on and on. i'm overwhelmed right now with the very different needs of my 3 kids...bailey needs constant correction for all her "2 year old" things (whining, etc.) - and that seems easy right now - it's constant and exhausting - but way easier than the other 2...joshua is so quiet and i always worry about what's going on inside of him. he always has to wait - for his 2 sisters are way more demanding. and the thing is, that he does wait, patiently and kindly. i just worry that he doesn't feel or get the attention he needs. and rebekah...well, i think i've said just about enough about her. but dealing with the HEART and her CHARACTER is so much bigger than just behavior (like when she was 2 and i would tell her not to touch the table - so much more black and white.)
so. this is good. i needed to get to this point. i'm tired. i'm pregnant. true. but i'm also a mom to these 3 kids today - no matter what - and they need the best i can give them. and i'm determined to give them that. and not to beat myself up for the ways that i fail (because i know i will). but just to keep keeping on and trusting that God will do the rest in HIS grace and mercy and love.
6 comments:
Wow Courtney, you are so encouraging! I pray your day is blessed because of your obedience and open heart to what the Lord has for you.
Hang in there the cycle of emotions is vicious and I for one hate the roller coaster, but you are doing well and still remembering that you can't do it on your own, and still do the best you can. We want our kids to be obiedient so not only they will glorify God but so that one day they will be obedient to him as well. I know I can completely turn into a whining 4 year old when he asks me to do something I don't want to do and I know what the reprcussions will be, trust me I know. But you are a good mother and somedays the constant corrections seem endless but I promise one day you will see the fruit. I keep hoping that it's just not when their 30 years old but sooner, but I'll take what I can get. Your awesome and God loves you no matter how tired you are.
may I suggest Monte Swans' book "Romancing Your Child's Heart"--if you haven't already read it. I actually think you already do this beautifully but it is a good reminder to shift our focus from behavior modification only. I loved it and it helped me through so many of these kind of days...
Your are a great parent and you are doing a wonderful job! your children are happy and healthy and are just expressing their emotions as well. Rebekah is starting to assert a little independence and it is hard as a mom to accept this. She is just giving a little push back to see how far she can push you! Do your best to stand your ground and remind her that you love her and want the best for her. Hang in there!
You share your heart so wonderfully and clearly on this blog Courtney. I totally agree - the gray areas of parenting are so much harder. I much prefer the "no touch", "no hitting", "no getting out of bed" to the ATTITUDE stuff and dealing with the heart attitudes. So much more exhausting and wearing for a parent. You are such a wonderful mother - because you are seeking after GOD first and foremost. They see that and know that. And yes we fail. Yes, we come up short - that's the beauty of it...it allows God to fill in the gaps and overflow with HIM. May this weekend be a WONDERFUL weekend with Pat and with your kids!
Ok. I want you to stop, step back and give yourself a break. You are a terrific Mom with terrific kids. We all struggle with these kinds of things. When I expect perfection and exact obedience at any given moment from my kids, I am quickly convicted by the Lord that I am not perfect and not always obedient to HIM. You are right in that we can't do it alone. They are gonna mess up and so are we. You really don't deserve to be so hard on yourself. Parenting through prayer is the only thing that is going to keep us on the right course isn't it. Thankfully we do have Him. Aren't you looking forward to the teen years???
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