**today

well, just a few more hours to wait. didn't sleep well last night. of course, my biggest prayer is that this baby is healthy. and my next biggest prayer is that we get CLEAR answers today.

as i was praying this morning, though, i struggled with how to pray. i went back and forth between "screaming" at God to make this baby perfect and healthy - just like the other 3 i've had...and telling Him that I trust His will if that's not what He has for us this time. and i really do trust Him...it's just so scary.

my faith has been tested this week. as i've sung worship songs that i've sung hundreds of times before, i've had to think, "do i really believe this?" it's easy to believe it and close my eyes and praise Him when things are "good" - but do i even when things are hard? it's definitely not as easy.

no matter what we find out today i know this:
-i have a God that is standing with me, holding me in the palm of His hand
-i have an amazing husband that gives me the strength i don't have
-i love this little baby growing inside of me no matter what

there's a part of me that is worried about feeling "silly" - if they tell us that everything looks "normal" today - i will have gone through all this worrying/praying/thinking for nothing. but, i have to believe it wasn't for nothing. i pray that i learned something through it. i pray that I know Him more because of it.

i have learned how i handle stress: being very impatient with everyone around me, and eating like crazy...neither is very good or healthy.

i'm terrified...yet at peace. more later...