"I always thought it was what I wanted: to be loved and admired. Now I think perhaps I'd like to be known." Kristin Hannah in "The Nightingale"

 "Instead of working toward retirement, work toward your ideal lifestyle. There is usually a path to get there in a few years instead of a few decades." James Clear

how rest is essential for growth. in a garden and in my soul.

 "Yet I know these months of barrenness will not be wasted, that they won't ever return void. I've learned to appreciate the beauty of the garden at rest. How essential this season is. How it readies the soil for what's to come, and how my own moments of quiet will do the same for me. Even if just for a breath or two.

So, I'll sit back and take a deep breath and rest. I'll pause to think about and give thanks for all the good work that has already been done and be restored for what work might lay ahead. 

And I'll find comfort in nature's reminder that rest, as good as it is for the soil, is good for the soul too."

Joanna Gaines

freedom

**i started writing this post 4 YEARS ago!! so crazy to go back and read it! I'm going to leave what I wrote and use self-control and NOT edit it at all...but i am going to add a few more recent thoughts at the end. NEW words will be in BLUE!

oh, hi!
let's see if i remember how to do this :-)

i really, really have gotten away from this space (obviously!) it started and has always been a space that was for my kids to be able to read one day and know who i was as a PERSON. but...as they've gotten older, that's gotten a little trickier. i'm not comfortable sharing as much about them as they mature...it's not my place. and, they are old enough to SEE and KNOW who i am as a person in real life now! when they were babies, they wouldn't remember, you know?

i do want them to know what was going on in my heart and mind this past year, this FIRST year of them all being in school. as they went off to school...and i (usually) went off to the gym, i want them to know how i chose to walk through my hours with them gone.

i chose a few pictures to sprinkle in here, just to keep things more interesting. but, if you want ALL the pictures from the year, instagram is where i post nearly daily! (@courtneycassada)

if i had to choose a word for this year, it would be FREEDOM.
i found SO much freedom this year. in SO many areas. some i fought for. some i chose. some came as a surprise. but it is all GOOD. so so good.

a little, tiny one was i gave myself the freedom to light my favorite candle whenever i wanted! even in the daytime when i was home by myself!!

i didn't do things because i felt like i HAD to. if i wanted to throw my kids a ridiculous Valentine's day party, then i did it. but only because i WANTED to, not because i did last year so i "should." i realized in the midst of that party, that i truly ENJOYED it, because it was fueled by love instead of obligation.

sometimes i made new recipes out of love. but usually i made the same 3 dinners on rotation, because it's what they will eat and food isn't really my typical love language. ;-) and no one has complained about those same 3 dinners!

you want to show me the highlights of the Nats game? sure.
and again tomorrow? sure.

i have found SO much freedom in eating and food! i am eating more food than i have in my LIFE. it's been a whole, long process. but. i'm eating a lot of food, lots of healthy food, but also chocolate and ice cream and still seeing weight loss and muscle growth and strength and i just feel GOOD. i'm not scared of any food group. and i've learned to truly FUEL my body so that it can WORK for me as i walk through my days! i could go on and on...i'm super passionate about this. but i won't. if you're curious, i'd love to answer questions. or you can google "reverse dieting" or "if it fits your macros" to get an idea...

i LOVE to read and have read SO many books this year. all genres. from young adult to biographies.

Ok. I had already uploaded pictures, but the words ended here. So I'm going to finish explaining these pictures and then share some recent thoughts. 

Pat and I both went on trips this year (2017) - the year we turned 40! I went to Miami. BY MYSELF! and Pat went on a fishing trip with some friends.

i've loved trying to defy aging by getting stronger ;-) i still do these! you should try it! it'll really wake you up in the morning - ha!

and, as we headed into a VERY hard season, i often thought of my grandma, my dad's mom. she was one of the most Godly women i knew. She passed away when i was young, but I've often WISHED I could sit and ask her questions. So, I asked my dad if he had her Bible and he did!! He generously let me borrow it and I spent a LOT of time reading it AND reading her writing in the margins...and praying that her wisdom (and the wisdom from God!) would pierce my soul and give it peace and clarity. 

So. here we are. January 7, 2021. our family has changed SO much since this blog was left to sit for awhile. Lincoln and Levi are no longer in our family (as of July 2018.) It is hard and it is good. We've grieved deeply and we rejoice in the hope we have for the future. They are well and we are well. Things had to change for that to happen. We are thankful and we question. There are a LOT of tensions in the circumstances, but, ultimately, we choose to trust that God knows what's best and that He will work it ALL out for HIS good. 

Rebekah is a sophomore at Liberty University and is in the nursing program. Joshua is a junior in high school and continues to provide my spirit with a calmness that he exudes from the core of his being. And that smile! Bailey is a sophomore in high school and is more mature than all of us. Sawyer is a 7th grader and fights hard to still be a kid...and we do our best to let him! 

Pat hasn't skipped a beat - he works SO hard. I mostly keep things running around the house - I also am dabbling in some small things and we'll see if something sticks: stocks, tutoring (4th graders) and coaching (nutrition and exercise!) If not, I'm learning so much along the way! Nothing is wasted!

We've all (duh! Covid!) been home together since March and it's truly mostly been really really good. There have been hard moments - 6 sinful people eating, working, schooling, living in the same space 24/7, but we've remained healthy and have grown and learned how to love each other better! I've pushed us to press into the hard moments instead of pushing them away - not easy, but good! 

I have missed this space. I'm not sure what it's going to look like going forward. But I've been so paralyzed with HOW to come back to this space...and just decided to stop THINKING and do it! So, here we go! 

Let me know if there are things you want to hear. :-) 

remember

we are a FORGETFUL people. in the Bible, especially in the Old Testament, God shows us times when He encourages His people to do PHYSICAL, tangible things to REMEMBER the things He's done for them (have a feast on this day every year, put stones here so that you see them, etc.)

January 23, 2017, God broke my heart and softened it in ways I've prayed for for YEARS. I was willing, but not obedient (Isaiah 1:19). I wanted to do something to remember. for those moments when I wasn't sure, or failed, or forgot.

So I re-arranged Lincoln and Levi's room. Mostly just unbunked their beds. and cleaned some stuff out. and prayed a lot while I was doing it. It was an act of love (they love stuff like this!) and it was an act of staking my claim on the promises that God makes.

bingo

sunday afternoon family bingo. we did ALL the variations...one row, diagonal, whole board, "X", outside square, inside square......

homework with a screen

i'm constantly trying to fight how much time my kids spend in front of a screen. and then they bring home homework that HAS to be done on the computer. ugh. but he did look pretty cute laying there with his legs crossed behind him... ;-)