it's how you live

leaning in...

2012-01-27T18:50:00.002-05:00

HUGE progress with levi in the last week or so.
i don't realize something is missing until it isn't anymore.

about a week ago, he started doing this when i would pick him up to go to bed -either at naptime OR at night.

he would totally relax into me and put his little arms around my neck and squeeze. most precious thing ever.

"they" say that it takes as long as your adopted child was NOT with you for them to fully adjust/bond/BE YOURS. i didn't want to believe it. i hoped it wouldn't take THAT LONG. but...here we are, 7 months in (he was 12 months old when we met him), and it's still happening, little parts at a time with levi. we communicate with our eyes now. he reads me. i read him. he says, "mommy!" all day long.

and now, he leans into me. it FEELS like trust and it makes my heart sing.

and makes my heart hurt to think it could take 4 years to "get there" with lincoln. but, instead of a naive hope that it won't take that long, i SEE how far we have to go and we will fight and love and press on until we get there. we go 2 steps forward and 1 step back (i like to believe that instead of 1 step forward, 2 steps back...we ARE moving forward).

BIG weekend ahead! celebrating joshua's birthday with a REAL "friend" party tomorrow afternoon...friends coming into town to stay with us...part 2 of his party back at the house tomorrow night with cake (that in my HEAD is going to be amazing...we'll see!) and the grandparents. AND 3 basketball games tomorrow amidst it all! can't WAIT to celebrate this sweet boy!!! he's going to be 8 years old!!!

unexpected adoption expenses

2012-01-27T17:17:00.000-05:00

there are MANY unexpected adoption expenses

today's expense: lincoln is on his 3rd pillow in 7 months

people look at many different things when they are buying a pillow...hard or soft, size...i feel the fabric to find the one that is made with the THICKEST fabric so that little fingers that never stop can't break a hole through it

thursday evenings

2012-01-27T14:23:00.000-05:00

just a little taste of our thursday evenings this winter.
we took the fall off from sports, and have jumped back in with a bang.
{it's actually perfect...}

rebekah, joshua and bailey are all playing basketball.
but for upwards - which is at a local church (not ours). so, all their practices and games are at that church.
and all their practices are on the same night.

joshua - 5:15-6:15 pm
bailey - 5:45-6:45 pm
rebekah - 8-9 pm

the first few weeks were overwhelming to me. but, we've gotten in a little groove and i actually look forward to it now!

i start "making" dinner around 4...while they are finishing up their homework/chores.

we watch joshua for a few minutes {sorry for all the pictures. i brought my camera to practice this one time. i probably won't again. don't worry!}

we are always the first ones there. because joshua LOVES LOVES LOVES it. and he keeps me on track at home to make sure we get there as early as we can (you can go into the gym at 5 pm - so we do!)

intense, huh??

they haven't had a game yet - their first one was supposed to be this past saturday, but we had an ice storm. so far, joshua seems MUCH more confident than last year (he's the only one that played last year.)
i can't wait for his game tomorrow!

i LOVE watching him play! he always has a smile on his face.

after we watch him for a few minutes, we walk to the other side of the church. they have this GREAT area with a playground! and tables! so, they eat their dinner and play from 5:30-6:30ish. i just walk back and take bailey to her practice at 5:45, and then pick joshua up at 6:15.

lincoln likes to do cartwheels...

this is levi and sawyer trying to do one.

then we gather all our stuff and go back to watch the last few minutes of bailey's practice.

she is SO nervous about her first game. she said yesterday, "i wish the days went friday...then sunday..." so that they could NOT have saturday...and their games :-)

i think she'll be fine once she has a game. it's just the unknown.

we get home around 7 pm.
pat is normally just walking in the door.
he eats his dinner, does the devotion, gets the older 5 in bed, and then takes rebekah to her practice from 8-9 pm.

we ALL sleep well those nights!

he is loved

2012-01-26T13:36:00.000-05:00

lincoln's prayers are just about the most precious thing. right after those songs he sings.
oh my heart.

his prayers have evolved.

lots of them are about what we did that day, what he ate that day (!), who we saw that day, and "thank you Jesus died on the cross"

but. my favorite part is this...

awhile ago he added, "God loves me" (THIS is my prayer - that he would know that above ALL else!) and i tell it to him all the time. possibly even more than i tell him that i love him. because i KNOW God's love will NEVER fail him. my love fails him daily.

a few weeks ago, he added, "sawyer loves me." oh! so sweet!

a few days later, "sawyer loves me. mommy and daddy love me." yes, we DO!

and now, he goes through EVERY person in our family. one at a time.

he is loved. and he knows it. well, he at least says it. i PRAY it's getting into that heart of his.

i guess he was tired

2012-01-26T09:15:00.002-05:00

most nights pat spends a few minutes one on one with 1 kid after he puts the rest to bed. most times they read or play a game. but, every now and then they get to play the wii together. this is joshua's DREAM! {he's really the only one that LOVES the wii.}

so, the other night, this was pat and joshua.

i went in to say goodnight to sawyer. one more time. since i assumed he was in there reading or playing {i.e. waiting for joshua to come in and go to bed above him in his bunkbed.}

but i found him like this. light on. dead asleep. i guess he was tired!

so, i ran downstairs and grabbed my camera. i mean, a sleeping baby (just let him be my baby) and the light on?? it's such a rare opportunity!

those fingers. how that blanket has his smell.

those LONG eyelashes.

and when i reached my index finger under his fingers? he grabbed it so tightly. i think he squeezed my heart.

stubborn and a climber

2012-01-25T21:14:00.001-05:00

helpful combination for him.
scary combination for me.

{he DID get his water!}

{AND.when i made this collage in picnik, i discovered they are shutting down! boo! i'm so sad! how am i going to make my blog headers?? ANYways. the good news. you can use ALL the stuff in picnik for FREE until they shut down in april! have fun playing!}

150 kids off the streets!!!

2012-01-25T19:31:00.000-05:00

remember the hello somebody watches??
for those of you that bought one (or didn't)...watch this AMAZING video of what the money was used for.

as a result, 150 boys are OFF the streets in rwanda...and in school...and 45 just graduated this past weekend. they have LIFE and FUTURES and, oh, it's just amazing! be blessed...

LIGHT THE STREETS - ONE YEAR LATER from Africa New Life Ministries on Vimeo.

track suits + chore systems

2012-01-25T08:09:00.000-05:00

i know, it's beyond cheesy.
but, pat's mom gave each of the boys these track suits for christmas.
and ALL the kids were home on monday (teacher workday) and joshua ASKED if they could all wear them.
how could i say no??

aren't they ADORABLE?!?
it was a rainy day.
we instituted a new chore system that took most of the day (around naps/meals/gym/playing) to explain and set into place.
it was the perfect day to do it! and it's TRULY all in the presentation.
i acted like it was the most exciting thing ever - and they were all about it!
we'll see in a few weeks how they feel...
don't worry. i'll let you in on it once i make sure it works!

one last one...

that's one way to clean your plate!

2012-01-24T22:09:00.000-05:00

and it made them both happy.
fine with me.

i fear this is a very wise statement...

2012-01-24T20:28:00.000-05:00

"Sometimes what we call ‘wisdom’ is actually fear"

from here

cuteness on video

2012-01-23T18:04:00.000-05:00

**if you only watch one, watch the last one! PRECIOUS!

levi's nose trick - hysterical!

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

levi dancing - i love how his left hand goes RIGHT up and his right foot starts stomping

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

and, last, but CERTAINLY not least...we've been learning some "old school" songs. if he would bust into singing this song everytime he does something he's not supposed to, his days might go a lot smoother :-)

be blessed...

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

i choose freedom

2012-01-22T22:02:00.002-05:00

i've been a mess lately. and it's been awhile since i've really written.

i believe the two go hand in hand.

so, here i sit. ready to write. and hoping it comes out making some sense.

i believe in God. the ONE and only God.

i believe i am a sinner.

i believe i deserve death {eternal separation from God - not just death in this physical world} for the sin that is in my heart. for the sinful nature i was born with.  

i believe God sent His Son to die a brutal death on a cross for me. the death that i deserve, HE PAID FOR ME.

because i believe that, i have a new life. eternal life.

He no longer sees me as one separated from Him forever.

i am His.

i believe, so i am His.

period. 

BECAUSE of that...out of my RESPONSE to that...i LOVE Him.

with all my heart and soul and mind and strength.

and i love others.

{"Jesus replied, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 22:37-39}

^{sounds all simple and all, huh??}

^{it should be. but if you were in my heart...or mind...or stomach (!) lately, you would know that it's not.}

^{we complicate it SO much and SO easily and so quickly.}

^{so much of "religion" is just us complicating things. we put laws on ourselves to "prove" our Love for Him. when, really, it's supposed to be the other way around.}

^{it should be: we love Him, so we ACT on our love. it's a reaction.}

^{instead we: ACT in order to prove that we DO love Him.}

^{this make sit all complicated. and there are all kinds of books and lists and levels and ohmygoodness, aren't you just TIRED of it all???}

^{let's bring it a little closer in, shall we??}

^{the last few months have pushed me and stretched me in ways i've never been pushed and stretched before.}

^{i've done things and said things and thought things that i never thought possible. and i know i tend to be dramatic for fun. but this isn't one of those times. i'm not being dramatic. i'm dead serious.}

^{{i'll admit, i have kind of enjoyed pat's reactions to some of the words that have come out of my mouth. they weren't directed AT him, just said in conversation TO him about how i might have felt about my day.}}

^{i've spent more time reading the Bible, more time praying, memorized more scripture than at any other time in my life. and yet, i feel like my heart is the ugliest it's ever been. it sickens me. PHYSICALLY sickens me.}

^{and i've spiraled down about it. i tried giving up {"what's the point in trying to do this well? i'll just screw up again and be right back at the same spot."} i tried pretending it wasn't there {ha! not possible. it's all up in my face all day long.} i tried more rules {getting up even earlier and spending MORE time reading the Bible.}}

^{none of that is working.}

^{so, today. right now. i choose freedom. freedom from lies and laws and burdens.}

^{i'm moving on. giving it to Him. accepting His grace and forgiveness for all my thoughts and words and actions.}

^{THIS IS WHAT HE DIED FOR.}

^{it's like i've been thinking He couldn't have died for this? it's too ugly. His death isn't big enough to cover it.}

^seriously???

^{i desire for my life to reflect Him. His love for me. but i can't do that. He has to do it in me. i can't do it in my own strength. i need to rely on His strength to flow through me. it is my nature to fall back on trying to do things on my own. i hate that. again and again i will fall at His feet and give it all back to Him. and again and again, He will take me in His arms, forgive me, and give me grace. the hard part is giving myself the grace to move on.}

^{but i need to. if i TRULY believe He is who He says He is, and He'll do what He says He'll do, then i HAVE to give grace and move on. to those around me. and to myself.}

^{i choose freedom.}

^{{and i just have to mention what a GIFT God has given me in my husband. i mean, a TRUE gift. God set up marriage as a picture of the relationship between Christ (the husband) and the Church (the wife). no, Pat is not perfect. but he loves me SO deeply. recenty, he looked me straight in the eyes, when i felt the ugliest and most exposed for who i truly was, and said, "I love you. NO MATTER WHAT, i love you." it was like God was speaking directly to me through Him. and i think that's how he intended marriage to be. Pat so often demonstrates the ever-forgiving nature of God to me and to our children. i am blessed to be his wife.}}

lego's with joshua

2012-01-22T17:22:00.000-05:00

some of my kids are easier to "do" stuff with than others.
either because we naturally like to do the same things, or because they force their way into my hands and don't give me a choice :-)

joshua is so content to just do whatever the rest of us are doing. or to play on his own. i have to be VERY intentional to create something that just he and i can do together and both enjoy.

i saw this lego set and used my christmas money to buy it for myself.

for he and i to make together. {this was a few days ago...}

it's emma's art studio {or something like that}

complete with a laptop and camera...

little drawers that really open, hairbrush and an idea board!

oh, and flowers, and a cup for your drink of choice and an ipod.
i mean...isn't it just about too much??

joshua got a kick out of it. it sits proudly on my kitchen windowsill and i love the sweet memories it brings to my mind when i see it!

and, joshua, just for the record, lego's ARE pretty fun! :-)

grace

2012-01-21T19:36:00.000-05:00

source

i thought giving grace to others was hard.

giving it to myself, i am finding, is nearly impossible.

port discovery

2012-01-21T14:45:00.002-05:00

we went to Port Discovery in Baltimore, MD last night. it's right in the Inner Harbor area of Baltimore.

i think joshua's highlight of the night was driving INTO the city and SEEING the Ravens stadium on our left! he couldn't believe it! {they play this weekend for the AFC Championship. they aren't "our" team. but both rebekah and joshua have friends that love them so they are excited about it.}

anyways. we made it there fine. not too much traffic.

i made the kids leave their coats in the car and run a couple blocks {it was 32 degrees out} to the museum. bailey cried. everyone else toughed it out.

overall, we loved the museum. it was a hit. had tons to do. not too big, not too small. whoever planned it out definitely did their homework on "kids". there were bathrooms EVERYwhere.

there was a huge jungle gym thing in the middle. that was 3 stories high. then there were rooms around it on each of the 3 levels that had different themes.

here is the grocery store room:

loading up his basket.

he thought he hit the jackpot. until i told him there was no food in it. that it was just to "pretend" and play with. his face was priceless. and kind of sad.

levi did awesome. sometimes he stayed in the stroller, sometimes i let him get out. and he did GREAT going back and forth.

the big jungle gym thing in the middle

the "water room". you will NOT leave dry. which will make the sprint back to the car without your coats on VERY cold...

i so enjoyed watching all my kids have fun.

but the evening REALLY turned into a study of lincoln for me. i kind of just stood back and observed him. with one of my other kids (for example - bailey) it's pretty obvious that they belong to me. but with lincoln, it takes a little longer to figure out who he belongs to :-) i did have to step in and correct some of his behavior. but i really tried to just let him be and not be all over him {i'm pretty sure he's just as sick of it as i am!}

a couple conclusions:
*he NEVER, not ONCE walked away and went into his "orphan mode" where he wanders off and doesn't look back. he always was with us and was very aware of where i was.
*he touches EVERYTHING! in this environment, it was fine. i didn't ONCE say, "lincoln, no touch." which i say about a thousand times a day. everything there was "ok" to be touched. but so much of what he touched, none of the other kids would even THINK about touching. or trying to pull of the wall. or licking (yes, he did.) i was hoping his glasses would help him touch less. so far, he seems to touch MORE - because things aren't just blobs, he can see every DETAIL!
*and one last observation. lincoln RULED that orphanage in rwanda. watching him walk into each room of the museum and take over immediately was amazing to watch. most kids walked in and kind of took it in for a minute or so, to get their bearings. then they would engage in something. not lincoln. he walked in with that confident walk of his and TOOK OVER. grabbed. cut in line. whatever to get what he wanted that moment. {this is where i stepped in a number of times...} wow. i feel like i need to apologize to those of you with children from HOH. i'm sorry for anything he did to your kids there!

this was so cool! you stand in the middle of a circle - like the size of a hula hoop. and then you pull it up and it's a BUBBLE! surrounding you!

this was super fun. a diner.

the dinner they made me :-)

joshua's second favorite part (after the stadium sighting). a soccer field. he was the goalie. i loved the confidence he had to just go in there with all these kids he didn't know!

we left a few minutes before they closed. i could feel myself getting that shaky feeling. i hadn't eaten much because i didn't want my stomach to HURT while we were there. but it's a tricky balance between that and going too long without eating and getting all shaky from low blood sugar. i was on borrowed time and had to get out of there and get some food! it was probably better anyways, to leave before the rest of the museum!

the weather held off until after we got home! it was a VERY successful evening! they all had fun. there were no surprises. and dinner (nutrigrain bars and a banana) was eaten and trash thrown away with no mess in the house! (it's the little things...) i'm very glad we did it!

it makes sense somehow

2012-01-20T13:56:00.000-05:00

it's been a long week. like, really long.

the kind where, if i had the energy to think back on it, all i would remember is correcting children for the same thing over and over, only seeing pat in bed because one of us had a meeting every night, and all my good intentions to eat well and look my kids in the eye when they talk were not met.

i hardly slept last night because of the cold that is trying to take over my body. {it will not}

pat has another meeting tonight. the thought of another LLLOOONNNNGGG afternoon and evening inside while it's 2 degrees outside and making and feeding and cleaning up dinner and baths and putting them to bed all just seems like too much.

i had to come up with a plan. and this somehow made sense to me when i came up with it.

getting the 3 little boys up early from their naps so that we can pick up the 3 big kids from school in the "car riders" line (normally i walk up to the school and pick them up). leave from there to drive to another STATE (it sounds more dramatic than it is - but i feel like being dramatic) in rush hour traffic on a friday afternoon to go to a children's museum. by myself. with 6 kids. this museum normally costs $13/person. which means we would NEVER go there. BUT. one night a month, it's only $2/person from 4-7 pm! and it's tonight!

so, i have to go pack snacks for the way up there.
and pack dinner for on the way home.
{my life would be SO much easier if they would just stop eating :-)}

this could go either way...a total disaster, or a fun memory.

but, after this week? i'm willing to flip the coin and see what we get!

{oh. AND we have a winter storm on the way. hoping it holds off a few hours...}

happy birthday, mom!

2012-01-20T08:47:00.002-05:00

a couple weeks ago, my brothers, sister and i sent this invitation to our mom...

we took her out to lunch! just the 5 of us!

left to right:
mom, me, hannah, steve, phill

we laughed SO hard!

it was SO fun to be together! to celebrate our mom. she is and always has been the BEST mom. i always knew that...but am realizing it more and more the further along i get in this "motherhood" thing!

you don't get to choose your family. i sure am blessed to TRULY love and enjoy spending time with each and every one of my family members!!!

happy birthday, mom!!! we love you SO so much!

i wish i had her style

2012-01-19T13:46:00.000-05:00

i never have and i never will.
but i sure do wish i could pull stuff like this off!

some nights, when i go in to kiss her goodnight, she reaches up and hugs me with one arm (the other hand has a thumb in her mouth) SO hard. it is the funnest way to end a day! a hug from a sleeping little girl.

there are LOTS of smiles and laughs from her.
but there is also depth.

true conversation from the other day:

bailey: mom, lincoln only does a couple things wrong now. he used to do things wrong all the TIME!
me: i know! he's learning so much. he had SO much to learn, bailey! we are trying to teach him and he is learning so much.
bailey: but, mom? when he does things wrong now? he KNOWS they are wrong and he still does them. before he didn't KNOW.
me: {realizing i need to fully engage here...} yes. sometimes we ALL do things we KNOW are wrong, but we still do them.
bailey: {very matter of factly} well, i'm just going to pray that God changes his heart. because that's the only way we can stop doing wrong things. that's what i do!

they are killing me, but they sure are CUTE!

2012-01-18T21:02:00.003-05:00

ALL of these pictures were taken in about a 2 minute time span. rare occurrance! but i'll take it!

i know, those EYES! they suck you in and don't want to let you go!

thank you, Lord. that's all i can say when i look at this picture. THANK YOU!

and his SMILE! electric!
{his smile was the first, and pretty much only thing we talked about in that 1 picture we got of him before we went to africa. it was the first thing most people noticed when we showed them the picture. i hoped it was TRULY indicative of who he was. and...it IS!}

and this one? oh, i could just EAT him!

60 seconds

2012-01-18T20:58:00.000-05:00

3 little boys. 1 racetrack. 60 seconds. THIS is why we all sleep so well at night! :-)

levi's first haircut!!!

2012-01-18T18:09:00.001-05:00

and probably his only "real" one, ever!

pat cuts all the boys hair. in the winter, he does it in the basement. in the warmer months, in the garage. it's awesome. and cheap. and fast.

but with levi? we weren't really sure WHAT we were going to do. but, his hair has grown a LOT! and the DRAMA {i.e. tears and screaming like his arm is being ripped off} every morning when i brushed it out was really getting to ALL of us. something needed to be done.

pat cut the other 3 boys' hair this past weekend. and threatened to SHAVE all of levi's off. i said, "no way!" he's a BABY! i still want him to have HAIR!

so, we took rebekah to swimming last night, and there is a hair cuttery right next door. i walked in with the other 5 kids and asked if someone knew how to cut his hair. and if they would. we sat down...

and walked out about 12 minutes later with a LOT less hair! it looks good. i think. it's taking some getting used to. BUT...brushing his hair this morning involved NO tears and NO screaming! so, success!!!

{and i watched closely to what she did. pat will be cutting it from now on.}

so CUTE!

2012-01-18T15:50:00.000-05:00

sorry...the cuteness factor around here just keeps growing and growing!

{to read the whole story of lincoln's glasses, read the previous post}

we got his glasses about an hour before his rest time. which was pretty good timing. he seemed pretty overwhelmed with the whole thing.

but, once he got up? he was READY to be the cutest glasses wearing 4 year old around!

and rebekah, joshua and bailey couldn't WAIT to see him!
{and sawyer keeps insisting he can't see and needs glasses :-)}

i mean?? how CUTE is he?!?

was blind...

2012-01-18T13:33:00.002-05:00

i picked up on it pretty quickly after we came home from africa.
lincoln couldn't see well. AT ALL.

but to have your vision checked, you have to know some letters or shapes or something!
so, we waited. there was plenty else to deal with.

well, last week i took him in.
and...he has HORRIBLE eyesight! near AND far! the appointment itself was a bit traumatic (drops in his eye to dilate them, wait 30 minutes, multiple exams, lots of bright lights.)

but...today we picked up his glasses, and his smile was PRICELESS!!!

{this was THE moment she first put them on.}

"was blind, but now i see" started playing in my head immediately.

amazing grace.

God has already used this little boy to teach me what His grace TRULY is so many times.

i am hopeful that these glasses might be something that changes things for lincoln (and for the rest of us!) maybe he will stop touching EVERYTHING in sight, or not have to ask as many questions - because he can see for himself?

i know putting my hope in glasses isn't the right answer (yes, i read my previous post!) but i feel like it has to help at least a little! PLEASE, Lord, let it help a little!

when we walked outside of the store, his head just kept turning from one side to the other. over and over. it was like he couldn't take it all in fast enough! amazing...

{and, yes, we bought the protection plan. the one where you can break them into a million pieces and still get them replaced :-)}

against all hope...

2012-01-18T12:59:00.000-05:00

was SO encouraged by these words today. thank you, becky!

Romans 4:18a

'Against all hope, Abraham, in hope, believed...'

2012-01-18T12:20:00.001-05:00

my stomach feels MUCH better if i just don't eat.

but i'm not sure how long i can sustain that!

jarred

2012-01-17T19:56:00.000-05:00

source

my stomach is having major issues. i am pretty much doubled over in pain by about 5 pm. which is indicative of my stress/worry level. not good. i don't need to see a doctor. i've dealt with this most of my adult life and know what the cause and solution are. unfortunately, i don't think the stress is going anywhere anytime soon. if anyone wants to watch 6 kids and send me to hawaii, i can guarantee my stomach will be better ;-)

my eye caught this picture on one of my pinterest boards. i'm pretty sure i pinned it a long time ago. like, before we even knew who lincoln and levi were. i do NOT know who those 2 precious boys are. but they could VERY easily be the 2 boys i just tucked into their warm beds, after feeding them a lame meal in my eyes - but it was healthy and filled their bellies.

just seeing this picture jarred my heart. my stomach is a mess, yes. but we are all going to be ok. we have food and water and love and a Lord holding us close.

there are many children that won't be after ok after today. they will die. because that water will make them so sick. or there won't be any more water. or food. {they have a Lord holding them close, too. and that is all that i cling to at times.}

and now my stomach is even more of a mess...

long. i mean. LOOOONNNGGGG weekend...

2012-01-16T22:03:00.001-05:00

we kicked off the long weekend with an afternoon with the panter's! holly and her 4 girls came over to play!

10 kids. 2 hours. and MOST of the time holly and i sat on the couch and talked. about REAL, even deep (and some not so deep) stuff! it was awesome! and way overdue.

saturday i was the only one that left the house. and that was just to go for a long run (yay!) and to go to target (double yay!)

it was a good balance for the day on sunday. LONG morning at church (church happens to be one of the hardest, most frustrating places to take lincoln. so i come home completely drained and frustrated. and we were there twice as long as normal this sunday. which meant twice the drainage and frustration.)

THEN, thanks to the young's for inviting us and my parents for allowing us to GO, we went OUT for the rest of the afternoon/evening!!!

we went to a capitals hockey game with brian and peyton. i had never been to a hockey game before! it was so fun!

it helped that we were in the BEST company. and our seats were the second row back from the glass! the players were crashing into the glass right in front of us! AND they won! whoo-hoo!

there aren't words to describe my feelings for this man. trust me, they are all GOOD!

today was more of "pull it in and stay at home". we have to balance days like sunday with LOTS of time at home. for lincoln.

i'm not in a great place. i'm exhausted. i feel like ALL our energy as parents has gone to 1 child for 6 months. and 24/7 parenting. NO break, not even a second (spend a couple hours with him and you'll get what i mean.) it's not really true. i KNOW we've parented and loved our other children. i KNOW He has filled in where we can't. everyone is fine. good, even.

this is a long road. no quick fixes or easy answers. just time. and lots of hard choices that many don't understand ("no, we can't come to that." "no, i can't commit to that.") one week might be great and we can feel/do "normal" things. the next week might be a "bad" week and we pull back in with everything we have. we never know. but we DO know we are in His hands. and lincoln is in His hands. and we are all going to be ok. there are moments i'm not sure, but His promises are ALWAYS sure and i cling to that.

i am learning SO much. first, about the deep, deep ugliness of my heart. i wish i was more patient. more loving. more compassionate. i am learning. i am also learning what HIS love and grace REALLY are. wow. the depth. the purity. how GREAT is our God!

for those who have prayed for us. thank you. for the 2 years we waited. for our trip to bring them home. for our adjustment to being a family of 8. thank you. but, please don't stop. we still REALLY need your prayers. really.

bailey and i went to the store real quick this afternoon. because she was the only one i liked at the time :-) kidding.
kind of.
God sure knew what He was doing when He graced us with that girl!

i think pat is going to SKIP to work tomorrow! :-)

mlk, jr

2012-01-16T16:48:00.000-05:00

HARD day today. but NONE of it has to do with differences in skin color, and for THAT i am SO very grateful!

"I have a dream . . . that one day little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sister and brothers."

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

need a laugh??

2012-01-13T13:39:00.000-05:00

i just emailed this to my mom and sister and had to post it here, too. just in case you also need a laugh today. it's better to tell in person, but i hope it is still funny this way...

so, we went to this big bridge thing yesterday morning. it was nice out (no coats!) and i wanted to let those little boys just RUN! it's this big bridge that goes in a circle.

lincoln and sawyer kept running ahead, then running back to me and levi. at one point, i looked up and saw lincoln up ahead. he had stopped, put one hand on each knee, and was bent over at the waist, looking at something on the ground. his face was about 6 inches from the ground. the little dude is blind (took him to the eye dr this week - he REALLY can hardly see! more on that later...)

i quickly realized what he was looking at (goose poop was littering the path just in that one area) and was curious to see what he was going to say/do. he stands up, turns to me, puts both hands out wide and says,

"mom! WHO did this?!? it's disGUSTing! people poot! (poot=poop in lincoln's words)"

he totally thought PEOPLE had pooped all over the path!

i laughed SO hard. i explained to him that the ducks had done it, and he seemed mostly satisfied with my answer, but still a bit disturbed :-)

that kid. he frustrates me to no end. but also makes each day such an amazing adventure to see life through his eyes!

it's FREEZING again!

2012-01-13T12:09:00.001-05:00

so lincoln is ticked.

which means we are having a GREAT day over here (ha!)

all seasons

2012-01-12T16:36:00.001-05:00

a couple days ago...

and today. no jackets even!

i took the little boys to this big bridge thing to run around this morning. i loved holding their hands. and watching them run.

i experienced a miracle this morning. actually, maybe i should just say i experienced HIM. i begged God to put desires in my heart that weren't there. that i actually felt the opposite feelings of what i desired to have. i doubted. but He granted anyways. He chipped.chipped.chipped away the hardness of my heart and replaced it with His love and grace.
He is so good. and i am SO not.

{levi really had a ball and was MUCH happier than he appears in this picture!}

act justly, love mercy, walk humbly

2012-01-10T22:00:00.000-05:00

this is one of my FAVORITE posts to write. EVER. i'm serious.

i saw something on pinterest (stick with me) months ago. filed it away in my little head. i knew i'd know when the "right" time was to execute it.

this was my inspiration:

day after christmas. SO over all the STUFF and well, just stuff. wanting something of depth to penetrate the few days that we had ahead of us, all together.

this ended up being perfect. for 3 days, our "candle" time focused on this verse,

"He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
Micah 6:8

{a different kid gets to sit with dad on his chair each day. and pat is going to hate this "i just got out of bed" picture. we did our "candle" first thing in the morning that week since we had something going on most every night.}

i had a little "alone" time with our canvas...getting it ready :)

"act justly" - pat used some verses from Proverbs and maybe Jeremiah? to lead them. there are SO many places in the Bible that reference "justice" and "acting justly".

then we put ALL of our handprints on the canvas! all 8 of us!

levi was a team effort. those little baby hands that love to clench themselves.

{HOW much does lincoln want to put his hand/face/anything in that plate full of paint?!?}

"love mercy" - the lesson was a parable that Jesus told. the one about the unmerciful servant. i just painted a heart for that one.

"walk humbly" - the lesson was Philippians chapter 2. my FAVORITE chapter of the Bible.

and we all did a footprint. tricky. oh, yes, it was! but they turned out pretty good!

and it hangs above our front door.

sorry. i couldn't stop taking pictures. i love it so much.

and you see it from so many angles. from the top of the stairs as you come down, and as you go in and out of the door.

i could have made this - and just had them do their hands and feet and they would have no context to WHAT it meant. but now? when they see that...when I see that...i pray we are stopped and reminded to:

Act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with our God

heaven

2012-01-10T16:36:00.000-05:00

this is what heaven will be like.
oh my goodness.
i was simultaneously jumping up and down AND sobbing eyes out in my kitchen watching this.

alone.

this touches a rare, holy place in my soul. hallelujah!

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!!!

shoes and socks

2012-01-10T14:00:00.003-05:00

i feel like this post is going to sound really dumb, but i know i LOVE reading how other people "do" things in their homes, so maybe someone will be thankful for this.

i've had these new systems in place for a few months. i didn't want to post them unless i actually LIKED them, which takes time.

i LOVE them both. BUT, i want to preface them by saying i did NOT feel the need to do these until i had 6 kids. and 3 of them 4 and under. and those 3 boys.

before this, everyone had a basket in their closet with their shoes. and their socks went in their own dresser. when we come in the house, our shoes come off. at the end of each day, they used to have to take their shoes UP to their closets and put them away. it worked just fine for 10 years.

but, i couldn't STAND the 6 pairs of shoes strewn all over the kitchen all day.
and, everytime i went somewhere, i went up and down the stairs a couple times to get the little boys' socks and shoes.

so, NOW we have a girls and a boys basket in the hall closet for shoes. we have 2 girls and 4 boys. and the boys basket still doesn't seem as full as the girls - funny :-) AND the girls even have a few other pairs in their closet - that they don't wear very often.

ALSO, we have a girls and a boys basket for socks on top of the dryer. (the laundry closet - it can NOT even be called a room. it's the tiniest thing EVER. is RIGHT next to the door that leads to the garage which is where we go in and out of the house.) AHHHH...AMAZING! when i fold the laundry, i just throw them in there!

now, when we are going to leave the house, i just grab the 3 little boys socks, lincoln can get and put his socks AND shoes on. sawyer can GET his shoes and i put his socks and shoes on. and levi? he can get his shoes, too, but they normally aren't HIS or the same 2 shoes (the dude LOVES shoes!) and i put his socks and shoes on. :-)

AND, when we come IN the house, everyone puts their shoes away and they are out of sight!! whoo-hoo!

it's kind of sad. but this has all totally changed my life. you're welcome.

silly and real

2012-01-09T14:15:00.001-05:00

we were {ohsopatiently} waiting for pat to get home from work one night last week.
i was trying desperately to NOT let things cross the line into crazy mom that needs a break mode {i.e. screaming or crying for no reason. from me.}

i grabbed my camera and said, "everyone make a funny face."

this was what i got. lincoln looks more terrified out of his mind than anything, but. whatever. it got us through. and sawyer? he is just CUTE. nothing else. just cute. :-)

and, to keep it real. we are doing good. everyone is honestly GOOD. but, there are undercurrents that tell me i need to be on my knees before Him more than ever. or just as much as ever {i've pretty much not gotten up off my knees for the last year or so}

pat. he is our solid rock. thank you, Lord, for him.

me. my stomach gives me away. you don't need details. just...things aren't working the way they are supposed to. ouch.

rebekah. she won't sleep in her bed. sleeps on the floor by the door in a sleeping bag. ??

joshua. another solid rock. thank you, Lord.

bailey. sucks her thumb more than ever. would carry her blanket around like linus (sp?) if i would let her. talks 4x as loud as necessary at all times.

lincoln. i can't even start on the crazy things he does. you probably wouldn't believe me. ok. a couple. took apart the pam cooking spray bottle at the grocery store in .5 seconds. somehow got it into like 10 parts? i didn't even KNOW there were 10 parts to it! stretched his sock from the original 4 inches long to about 12 inches long. see?

sawyer. has started stuttering. and randomly has pee and/or poop accidents.

levi. his obsession with water is cute and easy to fulfill and somewhat concerning. he doesn't just like or even love water. it's an OBSESSION and makes him crazy like a cat with catnip. but, it's not hurting him and it's easy to give to him so we just keep giving him the water.

so. we're good. and a little bit crazy apparently :-)

dinner...

2012-01-08T19:49:00.002-05:00

***SORRY - fixed the link! :-)

dinner tonight - korean beef.

um. YUM!!! (and was fast and inexpensive! AND everyone liked it!!!)

SO pumped that i doubled the recipe and we have dinner for tomorrow night!

you're welcome ;-)

discipline and forgiveness

2012-01-08T17:47:00.000-05:00

"We discipline in order to teach our kids responsibility, self-control, godliness, obedience - all important.

But we forgive in order to teach them mercy, compassion, unconditional love, kindness - all equally important."

Jen Hatmaker

good words for me. feeling very weakly equipped to be a mom right now...

overwhelmed

2012-01-07T13:51:00.000-05:00

just feeling overwhelmed today. in a good way.

overwhelmed with my husband and his love for me.
overwhelmed with the preciousness of my 6 kids.
overwhelmed with my health and the strength of my body (i mean, i'm no rockstar - but i LOVE being able to run!)
overwhelmed with the love of our family and friends for us.
overwhelmed with His love and grace for me.
overwhelmed with our home and neighborhood and the people around us - and how i see God working in and through it all.
overwhelmed with how GREAT it feels to not be depressed. to see things in LIGHT and not darkness.

there is so much sadness. so many hard things in this world. in my home. in the lives of those around me. but, today (at least this minute), i'm choosing to be overwhelmed by my blessings.

just a calm friday afternoon ;-)

2012-01-06T21:39:00.001-05:00

you never know what a day is going to hold!

it was 60 degrees today! so, we went for a walk/bike ride after the kids got home from school...we made a couple pitstops to play.

rebekah asked if they could walk through one of these. i think maybe you're for REAL not supposed to do that? but, i walked over and looked and they were dry and i could see through to the other side. i let them. just for 5 minutes or so. then we moved on.

he kind of goes through life without touching the ground. he just sails. it's kind of weird. he's a SOLID brick, but SO light on his feet!

we kept going and ended up at the red barn.

as we were walking up to it, the kids all started reminding lincoln about the first time we took him there and he ran right in the pond. i looked at him and told him, "do NOT go in the water. it is COLD."

**have we talked about how much lincoln HATES the cold? i mean. HATES. not like you or i do. we don't like it. he literally thinks he's in PAIN and cries! he is getting a little better at it - which is good because it's cold here for quite a few months! but he still doesn't like it at all.

ok. back to the pond. the top was frozen. the kids ran over to throw rocks at the ice. i was getting levi out of the stroller. and i hear screaming. i look up.

lincoln is RUNNING towards me, screaming the most high-pitched scream i've ever heard come out of him. he had stepped onto the edge (even though rebekah was RIGHT THERE telling him, "lincoln, no!") and it broke. he was wet almost to his knees. and NOT happy about it.

i will admit, i wanted to do 2 very inappropriate things:
1) laugh my HEAD off. i can NOT stop picturing his hysterical self running towards me! man, he was a riot!
2) take a picture - i had my camera around my neck!

but i didn't do either.

i also didn't have much sympathy. it was a pretty great consequence for not listening and obeying! he was a cold little boy - but not in danger. no one worry. it WAS 60 degrees out! and we went straight home from there.

this was a few minutes after "the incident"...

i took this picture from the same spot as the one above it. i turned around 180 degrees and this is the scene :-)

so, we get home. dinner is pretty much ready in the crockpot (one of our favorites!) but i need to get the potatoes in the oven. i do that, then start baths. they are all filthy and lincoln is wet.

as sawyer and levi stand up to get out, levi slips and clocks sawyer in the head with a toy he's holding. hard.

blood starts gushing everywhere. i grab a wad of toilet paper. fling sawyer out of the bathtub (that is now full of bloody water) and lay him on the floor and apply pressure. there is blood everywhere - on the bathmat, the towel that was laying there, all the white tiles. it seemed worse than it was because there was water involved, to.

i knew pat was on his way home. but was stopping to get a haircut on the way home. i yelled for rebekah to bring me my phone. pat was just getting to the barber. i told him to go ahead and get his hair cut (this is how you handle crises once you have 6 kids :-)) and he could take sawyer to get checked out when he got home.

i bandaged him up the best i could, and we all ate dinner.

pat got home 45 minutes later and took sawyer. he didn't need stitches. he just got some special glue put on. i could have done that! we have all kinds of glue around here!

but that was one HAPPY boy walking back in the house! he had a date with his daddy! even got to ride in daddy's car! we're just calling it a spontaneous (kind of expensive) date with daddy! :-)

just a calm friday afternoon....

valentine's day??

2012-01-06T14:15:00.000-05:00

i used to say i wasn't "into" valentine's day.

really. i just don't like roses. AT.ALL. and that's what you typically get on valentine's day.

the last few years, we've focused on LOVE during february and, well, what's not to love about that?!? i'm learning to be into it more and more! not for the consumer-type, chocolate-eating, card-buying thing that it's grown into, but for learning how to love. (ok, ok....i'll take some chocolate ;-))

i know it's early. but, for my second idea you kind of need a headstart...

first up, i made these pillows a couple years ago. they go on each person's bed. there is a pocket in them. you can leave "love notes" in someone's pocket whenever you want! it's fun! and they actually do it! if you don't sew, there are all kinds of ideas like this - using little mailboxes, or you could even decorate a shoebox!

the tutorial for this is here. you make a "fortune" (really it's a proverb or something wonderful about that person) for each child (and your husband!!) for every day. we open them at dinner each night. it takes awhile to come up with 14 x 7 (for me - 6 kids plus pat) fortunes! i need to get started! but they love it.

we also read 1 Corinthians 13 each night at dinner. how i would love it if we MEMORIZED it!

ok. back to january...sorry!

Sports again

2012-01-05T20:35:00.000-05:00

sorry for the small pics. i don't know what i did.

geared up for our first night of sports since the summer. it was SO great having the fall "off"...but we are at it again!

rebekah, joshua and bailey are all playing basketball.

i started packing our dinner (of bagel sandwiches and strawberries) at 3:30 pm. to leave by 4:45 (also worked on homework, a project with rebekah and continued cleaning out our bookshelves - a project i started yesterday)

we left at 4:45 and got home at 7 pm.

got the 5 younger kids in bed, and then pat took rebekah back for her practice (from 8-9 pm!) not ready for later nights. i love my kids. but i LOVE that they are all in bed at 8 pm. i know times will change...and it will be fine. but i'm not sure i'm ready!

basketball...here we go!

perpetual calendar **worth every minute it takes to make!

2012-01-05T14:00:00.000-05:00

i made a handful of these last january. i didn't want to post about them until i had used it for awhile to make sure the idea really stuck (and because i gave the rest as gifts this christmas and i didn't want them to see it and make it before i could give it to them!)

basically, you write down 1 little or big thing that happens each day. then move the card to the back for the next day. but, the FUN, precious, amazing part is that after a year (or 2 or 5) you see what happened on that day in previous years.

for example, yesterday...

and then i got to add:
"2012: the day lincoln REALLY hugged me"

january 4 is a pretty special day, huh??

many of the days say things like, "went to library" "pat came home early" "cleaned the bathrooms" - not everything is monumental! just something to remember that day - it also helps give you perspective on your day to think back over it.

i won't go into the step by step - you can find it here.

it wasn't hard. a little time-consuming. i bought the holders online (search for fruit baskets) and the stamp on amazon.

i keep mine on my kitchen windowsill. i typically write on it while i'm cleaning up after dinner.

and can i just say how happy my windowsill makes me??

from left:
just replaced the picture in the frame with a picture of pat. happy.
pat got me an ihome to go with the kids ipad. it plays my music LOUD! which i LOVE! mostly i play the same 2 songs over and over - you love me anyway by sidewalk prophets and the world version of how great is our god by chris tomlin. over and over and over. happy.
my perpetual calendar. happy.
a lego calendar that my parents gave joshua and he and i made together - just the 2 of us - over christmas break. usually he wants pat to do his lego's with him. he asked me to do this one. happy.
medicine bottles. safe from little hands.
plate thing i write things on. "COME ON SNOW!" we need some snow around here. :-) happy.

the day lincoln REALLY hugged me

2012-01-04T19:40:00.001-05:00

i try to hug lincoln as often as i can. sometimes it's not easy, i will admit. and sometimes i choose not to, sadly.

but, i ALWAYS hug him when i get him from his bed in the morning or after his rest time. ALWAYS.

he will hug me back, but it's a quick hug and then he pulls back and wants out of my arms. there are times i don't let go. i hold on even when he pulls away. i want him to know, in some deeper place, that i will hold on no.matter.what. but sometimes i let him down right away, because i also don't want him to feel frustrated by me holding him when he wants to move on.

it has made me sad, the fact that he doesn't really hug. not so much sad for me, but for us. for the trust and love that just hasn't grown yet.

today, after his rest time, i went in and picked him up and sat on his bed and hugged him. and he laid his sweet little head on my shoulder and hugged me back. and didn't pull away. and didn't talk (!) and then he picked his head up and adjusted it and laid it back down. and kept hugging me. i couldn't believe it! i determined right then and there to NOT let go until he did. i didn't care HOW long he hugged me or what other child was screaming somewhere.

we didn't hug for 30 minutes or anything. maybe 2. but, it was the most precious 2 minutes of my day. for sure!

sweet gift

2012-01-04T14:01:00.002-05:00

my sister gives me the best gifts. always thoughtful. always "me." she is a GOOD gift-giver!

look what she gave me for christmas...it is hanging in my bedroom and i see it right before i walk out.

that picture says a LOT, doesn't it?? i had to leave my baby to get to my other 2 sons..it was a sacrifice, and painful. but worth it. just because things are hard doesn't mean you shouldn't do them. i often choose to be comfortable over walking closer to Him. but this picture? it IS the picture of walking with Him...and the sweet JOY you will feel when you do!

back to it

2012-01-03T14:24:00.000-05:00

it was SUCH a great break, but it sure has been nice to get back to the routine today!

these little boys have had a ball having the house to themselves!

levi is the CUTEST when he dances. he raises one of his little arms, and stomps his right foot, always his right foot. either that or he spins around in circles :-)

my mom gave them these shirts for christmas - they LOVE them!

doing a puzzle...

i looked out the window a few minutes ago and it was POURING down snow!?!? random! it's done now. the sun is out. but, it was fun to see! i stopped and just watched it, because i knew it wasn't going to last.

ending with a little thought from this hysterical girl:

"If we loved Jesus more than anyone else, we would be the best possible mothers, the wives of our husbands' dreams. We'd maintain our sparkle, our flair, our laughter. We'd remember our favorite restaurants and get over ourselves. We would remain anchored in the tempest of early childhood, neither losing our way nor losing our minds. The 'you' buried under 'mom' is vital, essential, important. Hang on to her. Make sure she gets plenty of face time with Jesus. He'll remind her who she is."

Jen Hatmaker

i've been pondering who i really am. it feels like i'm "only" a mom - because that is where most of my energy goes. and gladly! but, what if that was horrifically (i know it's not a word) taken away? or is it ok for that to be my "only" identity? YET...i believe with ALL my heart that God has used motherhood to teach me SO much about Himself. i don't want to find something else to "fulfill" me - i am completely fulfilled here. this i know - i don't need to look to anything else. i need to look to Him. who i really am is His daughter. today that means He will give me the strength and wisdom to be a mom to 6 children and a wife to pat and a manager of our home. next week? next year? 10 years from now? i don't know. i HOPE i would still be all those things, but if not, i will still be His daughter. i will love Him more than anything else.

new years eve 2011

2012-01-03T08:25:00.000-05:00

we headed to richmond with rebekah, joshua and bailey to ring in the new year with 3 other families!

we took them out to lunch at famous dave's. yum!

arrived at the fogarty's and none of us wasted any time picking up where we left off :-)

and i didn't get a picture of ali and i. but the hours we've spent at each other's kitchen islands or sitting on couches talking are some of the dearest memories for me. when i'm going to visit her, or she's coming to visit me, i look forward to that comfortable place with someone that knows me so well to just BE in. such a gift - her friendship!

the young's arrived (with NO kids- we were all a bit jealous!) and we went the girls went to the ayer's to help leah get things set up for dinner. leah kindly opened her home to us for dinner!

we headed back to the fogarty's to change and let the kids ring in the new year (we did it much earlier than midnight! :-))

ali and ej had filled balloons with smarties and proverbs. they popped them after we counted down!

and, of course, toasted each other!

we left a babysitter in charge and headed back to the ayer's house. cary and leah had transformed their living room into a gorgeous dining room!

they went all out with the meal! and we supplemented with some additions.

for the record, i drank the FIRST wine i actually liked! thanks for introducing me, ali! i feel like a grown up now :-)

YUM!!!

the photographers

it was a wonderful evening. a nice, slow dinner. we laughed. told funny stories. were serious. shared our hearts. we feel so blessed by these friendships.

peyton, ali, me and leah

happy new year!!!

it was a great little trip away.
so thankful to pat's parents for allowing us to get away with just half our kids!

had a bit of a cranky, messy evening upon arriving home - on everyone's parts - but we made it through with a nice, long lecture on the older kids disappointing behavior while we were away and an early bedtime :-) not a fun way to end a fun weekend, but real life!

reading with my oldest

2012-01-02T21:41:00.000-05:00

i love her.

the most emotional moment

2012-01-02T19:29:00.000-05:00

i expected to go through a lot more emotions than i did this christmas break.
honestly, i just didn't have the time! taking care of, managing, having fun with, feeding a family of 8 just doesn't allow for many emotions to be processed!

but...the most (only?) emotional moment i had was the night of dec 28.
we went to my parents house to celebrate christmas with them.
it was SO fun.

but, when we gathered in their living room for the kids to open their gifts, the memory from that same moment last year flooded back without warning.

last year, as the gifts were being passed out to each child, my mom had given me 2 gifts - for the 2 boys we were waiting for. it took me by surprise at the time...and meant so much...

{this was last year...}

and this year??
i was sitting there. with those 2 boys we waited for for SO long RIGHT THERE...in my lap and asking me questions!
i was overwhelmed. for about 30 seconds and then i had to move on :-) but the beauty of that moment has echoed back many times in the last week or so!

addition to "our week together"

2012-01-01T19:38:00.000-05:00

just realized this picture didn't load to the post a couple days ago...

one morning last week my aunt susan and uncle richard came to meet lincoln and levi! it was SO great to see them! they brought the kids some fun treats. and we loved catching up with them for a little bit! we love you!!!

everyone has tomorrow off. just got back from richmond - can't wait to share about it! but, for now, off to enjoy one last night with pat now that the kids are in bed :-) real life is coming...but not yet!

new year's resolution

2011-12-31T23:59:00.001-05:00

not really big on them. mostly because they only seem to last a week or two.

but this sounds good, no??

"But be very careful to keep the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the Lord gave you: to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to keep his commands, to hold fast to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul."
Joshua 22:5

praying i hold tighter and tighter to Him and all that He is in 2012!

On the road

2011-12-31T12:38:00.000-05:00

On the road with these great kids for a good couple days away! So thankful to pats parents for watching the little boys. Just ate a nice lunch...the 5 of us...it was so quiet and calm! Ready to ring in the new year with some of our dearest friends!

(and check out me being able to blog from my phone! Fun!)

our week TOGETHER

2011-12-30T21:32:00.000-05:00

it's been a GREAT week.
i've only had one meltdown {wow!}

this has been LARGELY due to the fact that pat only went into work 1 day this week...today!

we've had a GREAT week being together...

we DID go back and ride the train :-)

there have been LOTS of lego's and hot wheels strewn all over the floor all the time. i try to be patient with it. but it ALL gets cleaned up each evening.

lots of late night for pat and i - i just love being WITH him! and lots of slow, late mornings {a couple 8 am! wake-ups!}

i haven't run ALL week...taking a "rest" for my body. i am NOT good at resting. but i know it's good for me and my muscles or ligaments or something :-) i HAVE gone for a couple long walks and swam a couple times. it's been good for me mentally, too. to know i can sleep in the morning. but i am READY to get back out there next week!!!

we had the young's over one night - this was the only picture i got. it was so fun!

i got pat the star wars movie set (6 movies i think? i don't know. i've never watched them...) for christmas. so, the older kids and pat have been watching them in the afternoons (they've watched 2). hence the lightsabers came out of hibernation in the basement and have been used everywhere we go! :-)

i can NOT stop kissing levi this week. my love for him is getting deeper.

having EVERYONE home all week leaves little time for me to think or process. that's hard for me...to just go and go. i need time to "recharge" and i don't get it during days like this. i miss pondering and processing. get ready for me to catch up next week :-)

getting geared up for our annual new years party!!! whoo-hoo!

{2010}

{2009}

{2008}

{2007}

pick your breakfast!

2011-12-30T20:45:00.000-05:00

when i was making my grocery list for this past week, i let each of the older 3 kids pick a breakfast.

on our typical, "out of the house by 7:30 am" mornings, breakfast is ALWAYS cereal.

it's been fun having different breakfasts on these slower mornings and the kids have loved knowing THEY came up with the menu :-)

joshua picked chocolate chip scones.
rebekah picked lemon poppyseed muffins.
bailey picked chocolate chip pancakes.

christmas at the Smith's

2011-12-29T21:50:00.000-05:00

we had christmas at my parent's house last night.

it was wonderful, relaxing, yummy, fun, hilarious...

all the cousins

silly courtney :) {rebekah had the camera}

my dad organized the kids putting on a performance of the nativity story.
hannah was the narrator.
it was A.DORABLE!!!!

mary, joseph, shepherd, angels...and of course baby Jesus!

caught pat and sawyer in a quiet moment...that boy is constantly bringing a book and trying to climb up in our laps. i love it!

i LOVE their faces in this picture. i hate that it's so dark. they love us and our children with SUCH love!

the kids opening their present.

the adults opening our presents!

it was a wonderful night! i'm sure my mom will have more {and better!} pictures up soon!

--

2011-12-26T23:33:00.000-05:00

"Do you know that

nothing you do in this life

will ever matter,

unless it is about

loving God and

loving the people

He has made?"

Francis Chan

first bubble bath

2011-12-26T22:48:00.001-05:00

christmas is over. back to life. tree is down. all decorations packed back up. i LOVE the clean feeling of putting all that stuff away! {and it is never a fun task...and i just want it DONE so we can enjoy the week together without it hanging over my head. i know, some of you think it's awful. but it's how we do it. once it's over, it's over!}

i think i enjoyed the simple joy of their first bubble bath more than their first christmas...

i mean...LOOK at sawyer's face!!!

and now sawyer's all, "dude? are you ok?" :-)

man. we laughed SO hard! THAT was fun!!

christmas 2011

2011-12-26T22:45:00.000-05:00

we had a great day.

pat had the BEST idea! since it was Jesus' birthday...we had balloons all OVER!

this was right before we went up to get the kids! they were about to flip out! :-)
we got all the lights turned on, the cameras ready...and got the monkey bread in the oven.

coming down!

the million dollar question from everyone is, "so! what did lincoln think about christmas??"

um. he basically thought he hit the jackpot! if he knew what a jackpot was.

i don't know what he thought, honestly.

he was given gifts, lots of yummy food, and we were all together. he was one HAPPY boy!

totally failed and didn't get a picture of all of us in front of the tree on christmas morning. SO sad.

but pat did snap a picture of bailey and i. :-)

THANK YOU, pat!!! {i'm always getting on his case about eating "my" chips :-)}

BIG breakfast!

levi held onto a balloon pretty much the whole day. his stubbornness comes out...

our gifts for Jesus...

bubbles!

and a scavenger hunt for the last gift...

{love bailey in this :-)}

it's a pretty fun little thing!

we had pat's family over for dinner christmas evening.

we made homemade tortilla's again, like last year. YUM!!

the kids put on a magic show for us :-)

happy birthday, jesus!

it was a fun day.

wrestling with how we "do" christmas. i LOVE our traditions. but are we honoring Him? hmmm...
{pat loves it when i bring this up late at night :-)}

christmas eve

2011-12-26T21:58:00.001-05:00

we went to church on christmas eve for the first time..ever? as a family!

we get together with pat's whole extended family on christmas eve and so we've made the decision year after year to not go to church so that we can be with his family.

this year, we just felt like it was important to be at church. and we were SO blessed by our decision! it was a WONDERFUL service.

and we were just a few minutes late, and they were maybe glad our family arrived a bit later :-) the volume and excitement level shoots up a few notches!

we had a great time!
it was the first time lincoln and levi were meeting pat's aunts, uncles and cousins. AND colin's (pat's sister's husband's) parents were there - we loved getting to see them again! (hi, mr and mrs harris!! :-))

yummy food, family, and fun!

the kids read the christmas story...

i wish i had taken a lot more pictures...boo...

christmas eve eve

2011-12-26T21:47:00.000-05:00

just sitting down at the computer for the first time in 2 days.
having a hard time deciding between catching you up on us...or catching up on you :-)

every night of december, when i went in to kiss sawyer, i wished i had brought my camera. the colored lights on his perfect little sleeping face took my breath away night after night.

christmas eve eve night, i remembered.

happy christmas eve

2011-12-24T22:13:00.000-05:00

there seems to be so much to say. yet so little.

a hard day. yet so beautiful.

focusing on the fact that we are celebrating our Savior come to earth.
{a friend took this picture at church tonight. Lincoln and I worshiping together. thank you, debbie!!}

Love came down.

He did. for you and for me. wow.

also focusing on our family being TOGETHER this Christmas. after 2 years of aching for it. it's here.

a painful Christmas in some ways. yet beauty and love flowing through each and every part of it - even the painful parts.

eyes to Him. ever thankful. anxious for Christmas morning.

without Christmas morning, there would be ONLY pain. NO beauty!

have life

2011-12-24T13:46:00.073-05:00

"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."

John 10:10

this post was my life AND my heart yesterday. bear with me. it will be all over the place...deep thoughts, fun times, and maybe even a new tradition!

it was our second day of our christmas break!
i have really been struggling with how close our friend is to meeting Jesus in heaven. dying.

it has just made everything we are doing right now. especially right now - at "christmas" - seem so STUPID. and i just want to STOP and not do any of it!

but, yesterday, a number of times, these words were put into my mind,
"I HAVE COME SO THAT YOU MIGHT LIVE"

typically, i don't hear things in my head. and to hear the SAME words a number of times? i started listening and letting the words soak into my heart.

and it felt like i was being told to stop focusing on DEATH and focus on the LIFE i have. the children i have. the husband i have. today. this minute.
{later that day, i went to find where those words were from...hence the verse at the beginning of the post.}

this is not easy for me. i "accomplish" well. i "execute" well. but just....LIVE? i don't do that well.

but, i will say, that i did yesterday. i enjoyed and lived and it was pretty darn amazing!

i had a plan. i told them we were going to a surprise. i'd thought of this weeks ago. and just knew they would LOVE it!

we pulled into the mall parking lot. and i said,
"we're going to ride the train {there's this little train you can ride around the mall. lincoln has never had a ride on it. you might remember that's where i took sawyer right before school got out last year - just he and i.} and then eat lunch at chick fil a!"

there were cheers and much excitement!!!

i wanted to say, "yes" to things i normally would say, "no" to. when you have 6 kids, it's hard to say, "yes." it means lots of money, or lots of time, or lots of mess. but i was DETERMINED this day to make my kids feel special and loved by me NOT caring about those things. (don't misunderstand me here, i KNOW we can make our kids feel loved withOUT money being spent - i do that every OTHER day! thanks! :-)) as i was telling pat about our day last night, i said, "i VERY intentionally blew money on our kids today." he was pretty happy about that :-) truthfully, though, he smiled a GENUINE smile and said, "it sounds like you ALL had a great day."

we walked into the mall. walked up to the train thing.

IT.WAS.CLOSED. until next WEEK!!! because of so many people shopping! AHHH!!!!

i was SO sad. my kids handled it SO beautifully!!! i told them i was sorry. i knew they were disappointed. but they handled it well. we just started walking through the mall. we passed a sports store (foot locker or something). joshua said, "mom? can we go in there?" i said, "sure!" we walked around. he looked at the different teams on the shirts and hats. then we walked out. we walked past h&m. rebekah wanted to go in. so we did. "sure!" we walked past claire's. the girls wanted to go in. so we waited outside while they went in and looked around. "sure!" i LOVED having the TIME to be able to just say, "sure!"

{trying on hats in h&m}

{and masks...}

then we went to the food court to eat lunch. as we were walking towards chick fil a, joshua said, "mom. there's taco bell! can i get a taco?" i said, "sure!" he was SO happy with that $2 taco! {i still made them all drink water. i just can NOT spend all that money on fruit punch!}

there is a carousel at the end of the food court. they said, as we were finishing up eating, "can we ride the carousel?" {this is something that ONLY grandma does for them. but i think they were catching on to my mood :-)} i said, "sure!"

levi and i watched. levi wasn't too happy about that.

during rest time, the girls wanted to paint wood blocks. "sure!"

snack after rest time...pure sugar? "sure!"
{love that they shared it...}

THEN...after dinner, we told them to stay at the table {pat was home in time for dinner! whoo-hoo!} and we were going to bring in dessert.

this is what they got. and they were told to go get their pj's on and meet us at the "minivan express" to go look at christmas lights! {totally got the idea from pinterest}

i punched their ticket as they got in the car...

and then pat brought out bowls of popcorn for them to eat while we rode around!

it was a FUN day!
i enjoyed LIVING it!

was it perfect? no. lincoln is really having a hard time sharing me with everyone. he wants life to be all about him all the time. it's not. but it's even MORE not while they are all home. we had a HARD couple of hours around dinner time. i couldn't even eat dinner for the sick feeling in my stomach. but, we got through it and tried to move on. the next few days are going to be fun - watching him and levi experience christmas for the first time! but also hard - makes me remember the girls' birthdays and how his desire to be the center of attention threatened their days. it requires MUCH work and attentiveness on the part of pat and i to make sure everyone remembers their place. i am going to be mentally exhausted a few days from now. but we will do it, and we will do it as well as we can. i am praying, with hope, that we see forward movement and not backward. but also trying to keep my expectations low. i'm so VERY thankful for the husband and father that pat is. his strength and perspective are so helpful.

sorry to end on a "hard" note - but that's life these days! beautiful AND hard. but we will LIVE it!

"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."

John 10:10

today's act of kindness::read to someone

2011-12-23T20:11:00.000-05:00

--

2011-12-23T14:21:00.002-05:00

We cannot know the grief
That men may borrow;

We cannot see the souls
Storm-swept by sorrow;

But love can shine upon the way
Today, tomorrow;
Let us be kind.

Upon the wheel of pain so may weary lives are broken,
So may our love with tender words be spoken.
Let us be kind.

(L.B. Cowman)

morning and afternoon

2011-12-22T21:23:00.000-05:00

i'll admit the first day of christmas break had it's...moments.

but, we had a good day!

slow morning playing in the basement. grocery shopped (like, BIG time grocery shopped! but with no time constraints, so it was ok!)

joshua went to a friend's for the afternoon. so, it was just the girls and i during the little boys' rest time!

we watched eloise at christmastime. cutest movie! i laughed out LOUD a few times! it's really cute, if you have little girls. i just asked pat if he wanted to watch it. he didn't.

this picture is my FAVORITE of the day. probably looks pretty random and not important.

but, this is what it says to me...

when bailey asked, "mom. sit with us and watch the movie." i said, "ok!" and did.
and then when she said, "mom. take a picture of my cat." i said, "ok!" and did.
sadly, i don't/can't say, "ok!" to things my kids ask a lot of the time.
i loved having the time/energy/freedom to say "ok!" and do it gladly.
i also love that you can see the eloise movie playing AND the christmas tree AND my feet propped up so relaxed-like in the background.

THEN...this evening...we had friends stop by and christmas carol at our door!!! it was SO fun! and they DROVE here to carol to us and they could REALLY sing and it was beautiful! made my heart SO happy and full!!! a sweet blessing at the end of a sweet day.

{i think today was extra sweet because of the battle our friend is fighting. pat went to see him this morning and it is not looking good. we are so sad. and overwhelmed with the reminder that life is such a gift. trying to keep our eyes on Him and lifting the Kelly's up to Him constantly.}

you will cry...at least tear up

2011-12-21T15:47:00.000-05:00

my mom just sent this to me.
it's not new. but i hadn't seen it before.

wow.

it's amazing.

grab your kids and watch it!

t minus 45 minutes

2011-12-21T14:00:00.001-05:00

the kids school does a "holiday sing along" the last day of school before break.

{this stupid bar was in the way...boo}

can you see bailey? she's got her whole row swaying back and forth to the music. of course she does.

rebekah had a few lines! it was a big deal. big. she did great!

pat wouldn't have missed it for the world. ;-)
not sure where the show was...on stage or in our laps!

and they will be home in 45 minutes. for 12 days.

i'm excited. and nervous.
i want to be fun. and intentional. but stay sane and calm.
ridiculous expectations? probably.
but i want to ENJOY them all.

and, underneath it all, a friend that is WAY too young is dying. and it pretty much makes anything else seem ridiculous to worry about. so i'm not going to. worry that is. but i can't stop crying and praying. please pray for their sweet family.

merry christmas?? what do those words even mean??

Christ came BECAUSE this world was (is) broken. dying. we NEEDED Him. He came and He died a brutal death for our sakes. "merry" isn't really the word i would choose. maybe i'm going to research this a bit...hmmm...anyone have any insight??

ok. i don't have time to be thinking. off to run around in circles for the next 30 (ahh!) minutes!

balancing limits

2011-12-20T21:06:00.000-05:00

i knew this season was going to be tricky, trying to hold up the traditions that our kids have grown to expect and love balanced with our 2 new sons and the fact that all of this Christmas stuff was brand-new to them.

side note: watching a 4 year old take in his first Christmas season is WILD.
W. I. L. D.

i'm constantly balancing everyone's limits.

and, just in case you forgot, there are 6 (6!) children.
6 different limits.
plus pat and i have limits.
{oh, dear Lord, do i have limits. ugh.}

we have spent the last 5 months pulling back, saying "no", being together, putting the VERY intense needs of lincoln and levi first - almost always.

we, as a family, have done this together. as a team. it's been good. and we've all had {mostly} good attitudes about it all. this is US now. we will do what we need to do for each other. and this is what we needed to do.

but, now, in this season, i'm dipping my toes in the waters of making sure ALL my children's deep needs and expectations are met. sometimes this means lincoln sits on his bed for a few minutes because he can't stop talking long enough to let bailey tell me a story about her day at school. sometimes this means levi goes to bed even earlier because pat is going to be home late and i am determined to read to my kids but levi won't stop crying and whining and pulling bailey's hair on the couch.

oh. and it's not just those gorgeous black boys.

sometimes bailey sits on HER bed because SHE can't stop talking and sometimes sawyer goes to bed early because he can't obey.

i read this article the other day and it hit my heart deep. she is a wise, WISE woman and i'm grateful she shares her wisdom with us.

i don't know what my point it really. but i want to document this part of this season.

mostly, i'm just trying to make the best decisions i can in each moment. and there are a lot of factors to balance in every decision. and a lot of decisions to make. ok. my brain hurts :-)

merry christmas!

2011-12-20T15:08:00.000-05:00

for those that didn't receive it - this was our christmas card picture - i love it!

and the card said (in, like, the most miniscule font because i was doing it at midnight and just wanted it DONE!):

Our family grew this year!!!

We ALL grew in our love and strength and patience

and endurance as most of us traveled to Rwanda

to bring Lincoln and Levi home to our family

and as we adjusted (and are still adjusting!)

to being a family of 8.

God has been faithful...in every moment.

His grace has been lavished on us and we are thankful.

list of days of kindness...

2011-12-20T15:05:00.000-05:00

i just added our complete list of what we did each day for our "days of kindness" at the bottom of that post here.

:-)

decorating christmas cookies

2011-12-19T21:24:00.000-05:00

so, sunday evening. after our WEEKEND of parties and a LONG day on saturday, we attempted to ice and sprinkle over 150 sugar cookies :-} yes, that is a clenched smile.

i was NOT feeling it. but the cookies were made. and they were going to be quite a few of our acts of kindness this coming week (to the mailman, trashmen...)

i started with just joshua and bailey. lincoln and levi joined in a few minutes later. there was some stopping for some issues that needed to be dealt with.

rebekah has swimming on sunday evenings and pat takes her. he takes one other kid with him each sunday and spends the time over a drink at a restaurant with that kid. this night he took sawyer.

some of the aftermath...

rebekah and sawyer did theirs when they got home.

so, it wasn't like a movie or anything. but we did it. they look fun and they are yummy and they are DONE! :-)

the kids go to school through wednesday this week. then they have almost 2 weeks off! i'm excited. but also trying to get myself ready for it. lots to do. and i need to soak up as much of the quiet, "naptime" minutes the next couple days that i can!

quite the weekend.

and NEXT weekend is CHRISTMAS!!!

days of kindness

2011-12-19T09:01:00.002-05:00

besides our gifts for Jesus, this has been my favorite part this christmas season.

remember our days of kindness??

the kids look SO forward to seeing what we are going to do for someone ELSE each day!

many of the days were very simple (i.e. "say hi to someone you don't know", "mail a letter to someone")

here are a few other examples and some stories to go with them...

one day we "left notes around town" - on a gas pump, at the bank atm, at a redbox in front of a grocery store. a couple things to say about this day in particular. when pat was coming home from work, he stopped and got gas, and just happened to pump his gas where our note was! what are the chances?!?

also, as we were driving around, leaving the notes, the kids were all arguing and driving me crazy. i pushed on and tried to redirect them. our plan was to leave the notes and then go get frozen yogurt (it was a fundraiser at the fro-yo place for their school.) i was feeling like maybe we shouldn't get a "treat" since they didn't have the best attitudes. but, i still took them. and we ended up getting to do our BIGGEST act of kindness the whole month! as we were sitting there eating our frozen yogurt, i noticed a lady come in. it was obvious she was distraught and on her phone. a few minutes later, i looked over, and she was still sitting there. on her phone. upset. i walked over and asked if she was ok. ended up she'd just been in a car accident, the towtruck had taken her car away, her cell phone was about to die (she was on the phone with the insurance company) and she lived a good 30 minutes away and had no idea how she was going to get home. i offered to drive her. 5 pm on a rainy day in december with 6 kids in northern virginia traffic. the easiest thing to offer? no. but we did it and it was a HUGE blessing to us. the kids still talk about it. i'm just thankful that we had that opportunity! and you know what the kids haven't talked about? that we had p, b and j sandwiches for dinner that night instead of a "real" dinner since we weren't home. good lesson for all of us!

another day - we left a poinsettia on someone's doorstep. the kids LOVED ringing the doorbell and running! :-)

one of our FAVORITES - passing out candy at the post office!

{yes. he always carries things that way. i love it.}

try it. the whole atmosphere in that post office line changes! instead of everyone avoiding eye contact with each other and just shuffling forward in line, everyone starts smiling and talking! it's amazing!

so, our act of kindness yesterday was to ring a salvation army bell!
our shift was for 2 hours in front of a VERY busy grocery store.
people were so, so generous!

i had really been looking forward to it.
but, i have to keep it real.

it was HARD.
it was FREEZING.
i ended up doing it solo - with all 6 kids.
levi was super cranky and cried the first hour, then slept on my back the second hour.

there was lots of complaining. some disobedience. some hard moments.

but, some good opportunities to remind them that the point wasn't to be FUN. that sometimes it's not easy to help others. and, they did rally and make it through. i was proud of them and need to make sure to tell them that again.

if there is anything i will put more time and energy into next year, it will be this.

focusing on OTHERS instead of ourselves is something we can ALWAYS do more of!

list of days of kindness:

hide note for each other
rice night (i don't think i've posted about this...i will)
leave coins in vending machine
give food to food pantry
call grandma and papa and leave message
leave coins at playground
leave notes around town
write letter (and mail it!) to someone
pick up trash
leave flowers on someone's doorstep
say good morning to someone you don't know
call grandmommy and granddad and leave message
say hi to someone you don't know
hand out candy at post office
make treats
bring balloons to hannah
ring salvation army bell
give treats to sunday school teacher
make card for teacher (school)
give cookies to crossing guards
leave cookies for mailman
leave cookies for trashmen
read to someone
hug someone

party, party, party!!!

2011-12-18T20:51:00.000-05:00

so, it was like the FUNNEST weekend ever!

after getting the older kids out of school early on friday (joshua is the ONLY kid in the world that was kind of upset about that... :-)) and welcoming hannah HOME, i dropped the kids (all 6!) off at pat's parents on my way home. they were going to take them out to dinner and to a light show nearby.

WE were hosting our small group at our house for a christmas party. i got home and pat was already home! what a fun surprise!!!

we had just enough time to get everything set up for the party...it was kind of weird to be setting up without kids to undo what we were doing :-)

it was a great evening...great food, played a fun game, did a white elephant exchange (that is SO super fun!)

pat's parents came in at some point, put the little boys to bed, and watched a movie in the basement with the older 3 kids. then they put them to bed! we are so blessed to have such great parents to love on our kids!

the girls...

the boys...

then saturday night, i dropped bailey off at a birthday party in the neighborhood on my way to my running group Christmas party! we did just the ladies this year (no husbands). which, for me, made it more relaxing since i knew pat was at home and i wasn't "on the clock" with anyone!

we met at paige's and had yummy drinks and snacks and did a gift exchange (again...SO fun!) and then went to a restaurant down the road.

{mini whoppie pie's for dessert! YUM!!}

i can not tell you how much these ladies mean to me. they have always been such a source of fun and encouragement and friendship. but, this past year?? they literally dragged me through it. from the depression of last winter...to getting ready to go to africa...to coming home and being so overwhelmed...they have been there through it all. every morning. some days i just loved knowing i could go out and run and listen to people talk about things that had NOTHING to do with all that was going on in my house! and other days they listened and helped. they brought meals. they watched some kids so i could have one on one time with another. they called from the grocery store to see if i needed any groceries. they stopped by and asked how i was. and i knew i could call anyone of them at any time if i needed something. priceless. they are priceless and i'm so thankful!!! we are not all the same. our age span is a good 15 years. but there ARE a couple similarities that i think make our group as great as it is - we all love our husbands. like, truly love our husbands. and we love being moms.

it sure was fun seeing everyone all dressed up and no ponytails :-)

then...today {whew! are you tired yet?!?} we went to my parents house. it was my niece, Andrea and my nephew, Ayden's birthday celebration!

{sawyer, ayden and lincoln}

the birthday kiddo's!

hannah brought back a gift {or 2!} for each kids. my kids are TREASURING those gifts so much already. precious. she is such a thoughtful aunt!

a fun, FUN weekend! but, we all hit a pretty ugly wall this evening. wow. we said "no" to about 3 other things this weekend. it was just one of those weekends.

so very thankful for all the special people in our lives we got to be with!

welcoming hannah HOME!!!

2011-12-16T23:33:00.000-05:00

what a FUN day!!!

everytime i thought about today in the past few days, my stomach did that "excitement flip"!

hannah went with us to africa for a month, helped us bring 2 boys home from africa (AND navigate our way through 2 countries IN africa with 5 kids!) and then turned around and left 2 days later for central/south america. she's been gone for 5 months. we've ALL missed her like crazy!!!

and were SO excited to be there to welcome her HOME!!

i picked the older 3 kids up around lunchtime at school, we ate lunch in the car, watched Miracle on 34th Street on the way...and made our way to National Airport in DC

it's SUCH a beautiful airport!!

her flight was on time so we didn't have to wait too long

YAY!!!! she's HOME!
{stole some of these pictures from my mom...}

a VERY happy dad to have his baby girl home safely...

and this guy?? he was happy, too! :-)
{i LOVE joshua's expression in this picture!}

another happy guy!

is she the BEST aunt in the world, or what??
last night, AFTER sawyer was in bed, he came back down the stairs to find me (which is a NO NO...but meant something was really up). he said, "mom? when i wake up, we go to the airport to get auntie hannah?" i said, yes! and the smile on his little face was SO precious!!!

the dude is a beast. so is hannah. she carried that thing around for 5 months!

this is the amazing girl {audrey} that was with hannah the whole time!

the girls and their parents.

they take these jumping pictures. they did one last one...WITH their backpacks on!

we got just a few looks at the airport as we hung out for an extra couple hours :-)

my brother, steve, and levi

i can't WAIT to sit down with her and hear her stories - in person!!!

but for now, she's at home {at my parents house}, enjoying a nice, hot shower, some yummy fresh food and hopefully getting a GREAT night's sleep!!!

SO glad to have hannah HOME!!!

he just knows

2011-12-16T21:06:00.000-05:00

our little people nativity is on the table by our front door. they are allowed to play with it there, do whatever they want to it there, but can't take it off the table (levi would flush the pieces down the toilet and he can't reach it there.)

it's constantly getting rearranged and i love to see each new arrangement.

but lincoln?
he always arranges it the same way.

it's like he KNOWS it's all about the baby!

it was been cool and hard trying to explain Christmas to a 4 year old little boy that has never heard of it or experienced it before. mostly cool. it really makes you think about WHY we do what we do!

hannah is HOME!!!

2011-12-16T19:20:00.000-05:00

hannah and audrey made their way HOME this afternoon from south america. like, for GOOD! well, at least for now :-) i think those girls have traveling in their blood...

it was a JOYOUS day!!!

can't wait to share more pictures...but there's about to be a party at my house!

favorite NEW recipe

2011-12-16T14:02:00.001-05:00

spiced maple pecans. yum.
expensive. but easy.
and better (right?) for you than cookies.

my december drink

2011-12-16T10:00:00.001-05:00

so, basically i drink water. and 1 diet coke a day.

and, in the summer, a handful of margarita's.

that's it. i hate milk. i don't drink juice.

except in december.

i love to sit down with this once the kids are in bed. it's a mixture of orange juice, cranberry juice and sprite. YUM!

rejoicing comes in the morning

2011-12-15T21:15:00.001-05:00

"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night,

but rejoicing comes in the morning."

Psalm 30:5

it's going to get a little deep. care to come with me?

doing my best to balance the deep thoughts with the simple, pure joy that IS this season.

the next few months are going to be hard in a weird way for my heart.

and it has nothing {ok. nothing directly} to do with the sweet brown boys in my home.

i was depressed pretty much all last winter.

there. i said it.

from about the end of august 2010 until sometime in feb/march of 2011.

i remember the day it ended. the moment even. but i don't know the DATE.

i just remember when it happened. what i was doing. crazy? i know it sounds crazy. but it's the truth.

the darkness was there...i was fighting against it every hour of every day for MONTHS... and then,

it.was.just.GONE!

it was 6 months of darkness. NOTHING made it go away. there was a cloud over everything.

it was awful.

and the last couple months have been weird - going through the same moments that i did last year, and having to remember how it felt. there is a combination of sadness...remembering what i felt and knowing what i put my family through...and thankfulness...that it ended!

so, i anticipate more hard, weird moments. especially through the next couple weeks.

so very thankful that the night is over and the morning came!

is everything beautiful and happy and great in our home?? no.

but, my HEART is settled on the One that will get me through the painful moments, and the darkness is not wrapped around MY heart. it's a very different thing.

a little picture of joy - levi "helping" mix cookie dough :-)

randomness

2011-12-15T15:58:00.000-05:00

*right now is one of the ONLY times of the year that i really wish i had a double oven. or a bigger oven. my oven barely fits a 9 x 13 pan. which is normally fine. i hardly cook. but today? doubled the recipe for sugar cookies that i have (and the original recipe makes a LOT!) and it's going to take until midnight to cook them all! good thing i didn't plan on icing them today!

*ate 2 cake balls today from a fun gathering this morning. it's kind of sad how happy they made me - the friends AND the cake balls!

*i love my kids. a lot.

*GUESS WHAT IS HAPPENING TOMORROW?!!?!?!?!?!?!??!?! not going to tell. because it's more fun that way. but you could figure it out without too much digging... :-) makes my stomach flip (in a good way!) every time i think about it!

*bought my last christmas present this afternoon. done. whoo-hoo! i did most (like more than 75%) of my christmas shopping online this year. LOVED that!

the girls got their hair cut!

2011-12-15T14:13:00.000-05:00

these are horrible pictures.
but it was in between a long day at school and a crazy afternoon of errands.

trust me - they both look ADORABLE!

she got a LOT cut off! like, at least 5 inches! it looks SO cute! and healthy!

so blessed with these 2 beautiful daughters of mine!

--

2011-12-14T14:20:00.002-05:00

"We live by faith, not by sight."

2 Corinthians 5:7

pain

2011-12-14T10:19:00.000-05:00

we have stretches of days where things are pretty good.
trust is building on all sides.
and peace settles in.
there are just moments of pain.

{"pain" - it's the word i use. i can't even describe it. a friend asked me to the other day. i stumbled and eventually opened my mouth and nothing came out. if you've been where we are, you know. if you haven't, i don't even know how to describe it. but pain seems to encompass a lot of what "it" is.}

and then there are days like today. it's been less than 4 hours. but it's already been a DAY of pain.

these are hard ones.

when i literally feel sick to my stomach. and question and doubt and run back to Him a million times over.

we'll get through it. that is helpful to know - now that we've been through this cycle many times.

and it will be fine, even good again.

but we do have these days and they are hard.

gingerbread houses

2011-12-13T21:41:00.000-05:00

i mean, does his smile say it all or what?!?

this is how we did them this year. they each did one (except levi). we used little orange juice boxes (they got to drink them the day before - that was the HUGEST treat for them!)

i constructed the houses the day before. all they had to do was put the candy on.

it was fun and not stressful and not frustrating.

sawyer and lincoln each had individual bowls with ALL the candy they could use in theirs.

the other kids shared the rest of the candy.

there was some silliness and dancing :-)

we put the houses on the top of the piano. pat said it wasn't the best idea since levi would be able to climb up to get to them.

except...it's the BEST idea! he can't get to them without PLAYING the piano! so, from anywhere in the house i can hear him making his way to the candy. after a few times (ok. a lot of times. he's a stubborn kid!) of "dealing" with that, he no longer climbs up and gets the candy :-)

one of those moments

2011-12-13T20:46:00.000-05:00

this was just one of those moments. one of many that i think will forever be etched in my memory of this Christmas season.

i think it was this past friday afternoon. bailey was recovering from strep throat. i put in the Polar Express. Wow! that movie was PERFECT for my crew! lincoln and sawyer could NOT be more obsessed with trains. and the older kids were so enthralled with it.

it was just one of those moments. and i'm glad i stopped and took a picture!

giving

2011-12-13T14:10:00.000-05:00

just a couple ideas for giving.

in case you have that person that you just can't find the perfect gift for.
or in case you want your money to do more than just be another gift.

first, the adventure project.
solid company. solid people running it. check them out.

{stole this picture from their website}

they are saving lives and handing people their dignity at the same time. amazing.

second, world vision.
they have an amazing catalog that you can order anything from a soccer ball to a group of 28 farm animals to be given to those that need them.
this is what we use for the kids to pick their "gifts for Jesus" and it has easily become one of the most special parts of our Christmas season.
i didn't take pictures this year. but the kids picked their gifts the other night. and it was very interesting. last year there were lots of "toys" and "soccer balls". this year? mostly clean water and chickens and FOOD. i think 2011 has done a work in EACH of our hearts!!!

and to have lincoln sitting there with me? picking what to send to someone that HE WAS a mere 5 months ago? just about too much. too much.

give.
it will change your heart.
and the lives of others!

one of the {many!} reasons i am NOT ready for Christmas

2011-12-12T14:56:00.000-05:00

if by "ready" you mean: gifts bought, gifts wrapped, gifts mailed, cards sent.
none of that done.
i have moments of feeling anxious about that.
but mostly?

these are the sweetest, most joy-filled moments and they FAR outweigh those little moments of stress!

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

blessed deeply

2011-12-11T19:14:00.000-05:00

i have no pictures.

ok. i'm stealing a picture from last year...

we had the HOPE team over for dinner last night. it was so fun.

we've been meeting with these 3 couples for a little over a year. we've launched a ministry at our church together.

we've welcomed 4 new sons into our collective families!

we are at a stage in our life where it's not easy to invest in the friendships that we already treasure. much less form new ones.

but these??

these friendships just happened. God has moved and worked and formed and we are blessed DEEPLY by each and every one of them. we are in awe as we stand back and look what God has done - by blessing us with these friendships...and all He has done through the events the HOPE group has organized this past year.

we are SO excited for the coming year! we can already see ways that He is moving and working and it's going to be AWESOME!

but, for now, i'm just so thankful for these friendships and the fellowship that we have together!

we love you, HOPE group!!! :-)

{i REALLY wish i had taken pictures! sad!}

our christmas stockings

2011-12-11T13:44:00.025-05:00

i always kind of thought, in the back of my mind, that once our family was complete we would get matching, cute stockings. with our names on them. and it would be amazing.

well...our family is complete. and i can't do it.

these stocking that we have added, mostly one at a time, have a story to each one. not just a story to the person they are for. but a story to the ACTUAL stocking. and i can't part with them.

i bought the stockings for pat and i our second christmas. we didn't have stockings our first christmas (we were in college and, well, we just didn't.) i remember buying them at michael's, with a 40% off coupon. it was a BIG purchase. i wrote our names in glitter glue (that i had in my craft stash - that was probably from when i was in high school!)

we found out we were pregnant with rebekah new year's eve 2000. i finished my year of teaching. had her the end of august 2001 and decided to stay home. money was TIGHT. the tightest it's ever been. like, counting pennies tight. i remember how much EACH grocery item cost then. and how much we spent a month on groceries (around $200/month). buying a stocking for our first child for her first christmas was NOT in the budget. but i begged. and, again, with another 40% coupon at michaels, bought her stocking. her name is written in silver sharpie. because that's what i had. and that stocking is SO precious.

joshua's stocking was bought...can you guess?? :-) michaels again. but i don't remember if i had a coupon. and i used glue AND glitter (like, from a bottle!) to write his name!

bailey's was from kohl's. on sale (because EVERYthing is on sale there!) and her name is written in glitter glue. i remember finding her stocking and being SO excited! i definitely spent more on her stocking than the previous 4 together! (and her's was probably about $10!)

sawyer's stocking is from target.

and lincoln and levi's are from target.

and that's appropriate for those 3 boys. because as life has gotten crazier, pretty much anything i purchase is from walmart, target or amazon.com :-)

they don't have their names on them. and they maybe won't ever. they definitely won't this year.

see?? do you see why i can't just get rid of them and buy matchy-matchy stockings?? i love the stories.
{although, if i had known i would keep them forever, i maybe would have used less glitter glue! :-)}

nativity gingerbread

2011-12-10T13:43:00.000-05:00

i take NO credit for this project. i got the idea from here. (which i saw on...duh!...pinterest!)

but, i WILL take credit for actually following through on it, for getting the supplies, and for the amazing children that completed it with me!

rebekah, joshua, bailey and i did it one afternoon while the little boys were still resting.

it is a special new addition to our christmas decor!

levi's perspective

2011-12-10T13:40:00.000-05:00

i happened to be sitting on the floor by the tree and levi was standing next to me.
his head was level with my head. and he looked up at the tree and pointed.
i looked up.

this is what he sees from his perspective. wow!

i must have missed the memo!

2011-12-09T09:44:00.000-05:00

the one to the kids.

it said:

all children, do everything you are NOT supposed to do today.
over and over.
and over.

until your mom's head starts spinning around backwards.

and then keep on doing it.

complete

2011-12-07T22:06:00.000-05:00

when jenn was taking our pictures the other day {week. ok. month :-)} we got SO many good ones. we had two totally separate outfits. changed clothes in the middle of the field/path by the red barn {it's all deserted back there and just as we were changing a family we KNOW comes riding through on their bikes. nice. totally embarrassing!}

anyways. it was great. i thought it went really well. it was fun. and the kids did good. and i just KNEW there were some good ones. because, i mean, JENN was there with her magic camera! :-)

well, we were headed back. we were done. and then she said, "wait. one more."

she took our pictures last fall, too. {um. she's probably nervous she's started a tradition now :-)}
and she remembered this picture...

{fall 2010}

and, now that our family was COMPLETE she wanted to do the same pose again.

i'm so glad she thought of it! i LOVE it! and it means so much more as i remember how my heart felt the year before...longing for those 2 boys to be laying beside us!

{fall 2011}

favorite

2011-12-07T09:34:00.000-05:00

i know i use the word "favorite" a lot. especially in december.

but this is one of my favorite parts of the season.

the lit christmas tree early in the morning. before anyone else is awake. i just LOVE it!

princess levi??

2011-12-06T22:32:00.000-05:00

the kids were sent upstairs to get their pj's on while i got dinner started.
and this is what levi looked like when they came back down :-)
he looks...pretty??

he loved it and threw a FIT when i took it off to put his pj's on!

rejoicing

2011-12-06T21:32:00.000-05:00

i wanted...chose...desired for lincoln to be next to me this afternoon.

he has so many amazing, magnetic qualities...his smile that lights up his whole face, actually, the whole ROOM!, his joy, his excitement for EVERYthing, his helpfulness, his strength, his desire to do right, his care for others - especially sawyer.

he is one special boy. and i am blessed to be his mom.

it was a day of rejoicing in my heart.

how blessed am i?

2011-12-05T14:02:00.001-05:00

i could tell something wasn't the right the minute i walked into his room and got on my knees on the floor. it's what i do every morning. i sit there and take his fleecy pj's off and put his clothes on. the second i looked into his eyes as he walked over to me, i knew.

something wasn't right with my baby (the older one.)

i started undressing him and asked questions, kind of quickly. expecting a quick answer like "i'm still tired" or "____ hurts."

he didn't speak. wouldn't answer any of my questions. just kept looking into my eyes with his eyes full of pain. i kept eye contact but after a few minutes i couldn't see him through the tears in my own eyes.

he continued to not talk and it started to scare me. at first, i knew something wasn't right. now? my heart was fearful. this was not an "easy" fix. and i don't know what's wrong.

after a LONG 10 minutes or so, he finally said, "my belly hurts."

i wanted to believe that was "all" so i went into motion. got him set up on the couch and finished getting breakfast ready for the rest of them so the older kids could get to school.

once they were out the door, i sat down by him and really looked. i don't know what it was. but i could just tell this wasn't a "my belly hurts" kind of thing. oh, that look in his eyes...

we've established that i'm not a "touchy-feely" kind of person. and especially when my kids have stomach issues. i mean, i'm the mom. i can't get sick! i will tend to you and take care of you, feed you, keep you comfortable...but i generally try to avoid getting too close.

so what did i do??

i picked that boy up, carried him to the family room (he was in the living room on the couch - next to the dining room where we were eating breakfast) all wrapped up in a blanket and laid down on the couch WITH him. i turned the tv on in the hopes that lincoln and levi might be entertained. lincoln got on the couch with us and sat right next to me - touching me the whole time - which i loved. he started out asking a question every 30 seconds or so, but i eventually got him to just watch tv for a few minutes at a time. levi came up, got down, emptied the toy basket, pulled all the books off the shelf. and i just laid there. FOR AN HOUR. 60 minutes. i laid there and held sawyer. i didn't get up to fix all that levi was undoing. i didn't get up to answer the phone. or fold the 2 loads of laundry that was waiting. i didn't even get up to get my camera and take a picture (!) i laid there. and held him. and kissed his cheek. over and over.

and you know what?

after that, he was FINE!

all smiles. wanted his breakfast.

i don't think sawyer's belly was sick. i think his heart was sick and he needed to know i was there. REALLY there. not just around. but THERE.

i'm just thankful that this one time i got it right. i put aside my stuff and loved him. it is my prayer every morning. so often i fail. this morning i got it right. and everything else that has happened today has had an added tint of sweetness to it because of it. how blessed am i? that an hour wrapped in my arms can make a little boy's world right again?

i am kept from sleeping at night worrying about the pain going on in the hearts of all my kids, especially in this transition we are in. i know it's there. i don't know exactly how to fix it though, for any of them. this was a GOOD thing for me. i didn't know it was coming. but He prepared me for it and gave me the strength and self-control to literally work through the pain with sawyer. a good reminder to me that i don't need to worry about it...He will show me and i just need to pray that my eyes and heart will be ready...time and time again.

precious moments

2011-12-03T22:11:00.000-05:00

it was a good day. even great!

lots of GOOD time together. and times one on one. and two on one. smiles. laughter. helping. excited to give.

perfect? no.

but good. and i'm choosing to be thankful for it.

lots of precious moments the last few days. as we attempt to share jesus' birth in a new way to our new sons/brothers.

i don't think ANY of us will EVER forget this christmas. the christmas of 2011.

labor of love

2011-12-02T22:43:00.000-05:00

i have a "favorite" song every christmas. it is always different.

this album (Andrew Peterson::Behold the Lamb of God) was my favorite last year - the whole thing. it's not your "typical" christmas album. there aren't any of your traditional christmas songs on it. but it IS the story of Jesus. and it's GREAT!

well, i KNOW i heard this song last year, but THIS year i can't stop listening to it. it's on repeat all.the.time.

her voice is beautiful. and the words?? well, i'm too tired at the moment to go into it, but i can say that the anticipation of celebrating our Savior's birth is hitting me in a whole new way this year. it's all new to me through my 4 year old son's eyes as he watches a family...HIS family... "do" Christmas for the first time in his life AND as my heart recognizes my need for a Savior in a deeper way than ever before.

labor of love.

i pray it blessed your heart and brings you to His feet.

friday

2011-12-02T13:31:00.000-05:00

my headache is finally gone. i still had it this morning, so didn't run. but now it's gone. it could have been a number of things: my 6 children :-), pat's long hours, trying to finish christmas shopping, forgetting to eat (i always hated people that said they did that. it really can happen!) there's more. but i'm afraid my headache might come back if i keep thinking...

we've been home all day. i've been really trying to observe these 3 boys at home with me. they ALL have some stuff going on and i just can't figure out what is making them tick right now. some observations: EVERY time i look at lincoln...he is looking at me! wow. i really need to smile at him more. that's my takeaway from that. a smile from someone means the world, right?? that's what i'm going to do. sawyer? he needs touch. like bailey. and that is hard for me...well, not HARD, just not my natural tendency. i LOVE to touch him. levi? i don't know. mostly the thing i notice is he ALWAYS wants more water! so...he carries cups around all day - he probably has 6 cups all over the house full of water. fine with me!

i'm glad it's friday. i miss my older kids during the week. i look forward to really enjoying them on the weekends. i love how our relationships are changing as they get older...how it's not just all ME giving to them, but they notice that i am a person, too and they give love back to me...willingly. it's just nice.

i LOVE LOVE LOVE this picture {i will probably say that about quite a few...but i really do love this one!}

our family

2011-12-01T21:06:00.000-05:00

jenn took family pictures for us a few weeks ago. i just got them today.
they are AMAZING!!!

i am literally CRYING as i go through them (trying to order christmas cards with the splitting headache i've had since 1 pm. ugh.)

i'm crying because they are so beautiful, though. just beautiful.

what a GIFT she gave us in them!!!

i'll be sharing more in the days to come! just wanted to tease you a bit! :-)

{know that any amazing pictures i post in the next few days are from HER, not me!}

it's how you live

leaning in...

unexpected adoption expenses

thursday evenings

he is loved

i guess he was tired

stubborn and a climber

150 kids off the streets!!!

track suits + chore systems

that's one way to clean your plate!

i fear this is a very wise statement...

cuteness on video

i choose freedom

lego's with joshua

grace

port discovery

it makes sense somehow

happy birthday, mom!

i wish i had her style

they are killing me, but they sure are CUTE!

60 seconds

levi's first haircut!!!

so CUTE!

was blind...

against all hope...

jarred

long. i mean. LOOOONNNGGGG weekend...

mlk, jr

HARD day today. but NONE of it has to do with differences in skin color, and for THAT i am SO very grateful!

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

need a laugh??

it's FREEZING again!

all seasons

act justly, love mercy, walk humbly

heaven

this is what heaven will be like. oh my goodness.i was simultaneously jumping up and down AND sobbing eyes out in my kitchen watching this.

alone.

this touches a rare, holy place in my soul. hallelujah!

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!!!

shoes and socks

silly and real

dinner...

discipline and forgiveness

overwhelmed

just a calm friday afternoon ;-)

valentine's day??

Sports again

perpetual calendar **worth every minute it takes to make!

the day lincoln REALLY hugged me

sweet gift

back to it

new years eve 2011

reading with my oldest

the most emotional moment

addition to "our week together"

new year's resolution

On the road

our week TOGETHER

pick your breakfast!

christmas at the Smith's

--

first bubble bath

christmas 2011

christmas eve

christmas eve eve

happy christmas eve

have life

today's act of kindness::read to someone

--

We cannot know the griefThat men may borrow;We cannot see the soulsStorm-swept by sorrow; But love can shine upon the wayToday, tomorrow;Let us be kind.Upon the wheel of pain so may weary lives are broken,So may our love with tender words be spoken.Let us be kind.(L.B. Cowman)

morning and afternoon

you will cry...at least tear up

t minus 45 minutes

balancing limits

merry christmas!

list of days of kindness...

decorating christmas cookies

days of kindness

party, party, party!!!

welcoming hannah HOME!!!

this is what heaven will be like.
oh my goodness.
i was simultaneously jumping up and down AND sobbing eyes out in my kitchen watching this.

We cannot know the grief
That men may borrow;

We cannot see the souls
Storm-swept by sorrow;

But love can shine upon the way
Today, tomorrow;
Let us be kind.

Upon the wheel of pain so may weary lives are broken,
So may our love with tender words be spoken.
Let us be kind.

(L.B. Cowman)